


Drunk White Children

by AngelaCake



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Adult Content, Adult Language, College AU, F/F, Jewish Pidge | Katie Holt, Korean Keith (Voltron), Laith, Leith - Freeform, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of sexual violence, Minor Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Minor Allura/Romelle (Voltron), Romellura, Shadam, Trans Pidge | Katie Holt, Weed mention, a lot of things come in later, adashi, alcohol mention, alcohol use, allurance, chat au, groupchat, health insurance battles, job searches, klance, lancelot mention, lances last name is serrano, lotura mention, maybe Hatt or Munk still deciding, mentions of sexual harrassment, minor kinkance, or acxor/ezxa/aczor however you wanna say it acxa is a fuckin lesbian, platonic punk - Freeform, probably zethor, shallura mention, smoking mention, substance use, substances, thats way later but better safe than sorry, there will not be smut, this is not smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-06-07 12:29:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15219179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelaCake/pseuds/AngelaCake
Summary: A groupchat fic of the paladins in a college au. Most characters start off only being mentioned, but all of them eventually come into play. I'm mostly focusing on Klance, and probably on Romellura, but that will all come later. For the beginning few chapters there's actually not much shipping at all, just friends goofing off and making fun of each other.





	1. Class(ic)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hothotleg - Lance  
> Blonic - Pidge  
> swordlesbian - Keith  
> burninlove - Hunk  
> whipsntraps - Allura  
> Gayspaceranger - Shiro

**Hothotleg:** this is the most boring lecture ive ever been to ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

 **Hothotleg** : im so borrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddd

 

 **Hothotleg:** yo someon entertain me

 

 **Blonic** : lance shut the fuck up quit blowing up my phone during class

 

 **Hothotleg:** PIDGE I neeed ressuscitation!!! Im dying here!

 

 **swordlesbian:** just draw in ur notes like a normal person

 

 **Hothotleg:** what do u know abt normal ppl? Ur a hermit who lives in the desert

 

 **swordlesbian:** and im still better than you at listening to people

 

 **Hothotleg:** U R NOT

 

 **Hothotleg:** THE ONLY THING YOUR BETTER AT THAN ME

 

 **swordlesbian:** is spelling?

 

 **swordlesbian:** paying attention?

 

 **swordlesbian:** finishing a sentence?

 

 **Blonic:** oh so now he shuts up

 

 **burninlove:** do you think hes okay?

 

 **Blonic:** hes fine, he probably just can’t think of a come back so hes pretending to be afk or something

 

 **burninlove:** lmao yeah probably

 

 **burninlove:** what a nerd

 

 **Hothotleg:** I WONT STAND FOR THIS SLANDER

 

 **Blonic:** its not slander if its true

 

 **Hothotleg:** my own best friends?? Turned against me??

 

 **Hothotleg:** how dare

 

 **swordlesbian:** ?

 

 **swordlesbian:** why is my name swordlesbian?

 

 **swordlesbian:** I am a Gay Man

 

 **Hothotleg:** allura said it was ok to name u that n it suits u

 

 **whipsntraps:** Don’t drag me into this.

 

 **whipsntraps:** Besides, I don’t ID as a lesbian anymore, so ask someone else for permission.

 

 **Hothotleg:** it wasnt asking for permission! I was jus checking if it was ok jeez

 

 **Hothotleg:** fine if it bothers you so much

 

 _Hothotleg_ set _swordlesbians_ nickname to _ToeBeans_

 

 **ToeBeans:** ????

 

 **ToeBeans:** why toe beans??

 

 **Hothotleg:** are u never satisfiedd??

 

 **Hothotleg:** bc u love cats u nerd

 

 **ToeBeans:** i literally have a dog

 

 **ToeBeans:** ur the nerd

 

 **Hothotleg:** no ur the nerd!!!

 

 **Blonic:** YOURE BOTH NERDS NOW STFU SO I CAN FOCUS ON THIS LECTURE

 

 **Hothotleg:** but im stillllll bbbbbooooooooorrrrrreeeeddddddd

 

 **Blonic:** im gonna kill him

 

 **Gayspaceranger:** look, obviously we all want to die, but we just have to get through this

 

 **Gayspaceranger:** lance, this is your last lecture of the day, you can handle being bored a little longer

 

 **whipsntraps:** Uh, speak 4 yourself? Some of us like living.

 

 **burninlove:** um allura i can count the days you havent done something ridiculously dangerous this year on one hand so yknow

 

 **burninlove:** think before you speak

 

 **whipsntraps:** I don’t know what you’re talking about? Nothing I do is ridiculous.

 

 **Blonic:** last semester you and keith jumped cars on the highway to get to class

 

 **whipsntraps:** It was the midterm!! That was 30% of our final grade!

 

 **ToeBeans:** Pidge, we don’t do random dangerous stuff for no reason

 

 **ToeBeans:** there was a reasonable explanation n everything

 

 **Blonic:** you ended up dropping out anyway so what was the point??

 

 **ToeBeans:** the point was to see how fast i could get to class

 

 **whipsntraps:** Besides, what’s the point of learning to jump cars if you never use it?

 

 **Blonic:** why did u guys learn to jump cars in the first place?

 

 **ToeBeans:** so we could get to our midterms

 

 **Blonic:** -_-

 

 **Gayspaceranger:** wait you and keith did what

 

 **Gayspaceranger:** okay Who taught you to do this

 

 **Hothotleg:** omggg allura aassejdkfgfss

 

 **Blonic:** great hes keyboard smashing again

 

 **Hothotleg:** ur my lord n savior, allura

 

 **ToeBeans:** what does that even mean

 

 **Hothotleg:** THE KEYSMASH IS GAY CULTURE

 

 **Hothotleg:** it means i have a lot of feelings, YORAK

 

 **ToeBeans:** i regret telling you that story

 

 **Hothotleg:** UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

 

 **Hothotleg:** i happen to actually feel things

 

 **Gayspaceranger:** lance, don’t be rude

 

 **ToeBeans:** whatever dude

 

 **ToeBeans:** have fun with that

 

 **Gayspaceranger:** Keith why were you jumping cars

 

 **Hothotleg:** I WILL

 

 **burninlove:** wow you can hear the dad voice

 

 **Blonic:** guys you heard shiro dont be fuckin rude

 

 **Hothotleg:** IM NOT RUDE IM AN ANGEL

 

 **Hothotleg:** KEITHSTHE ONE BEING RUDE

 

 **whipsntraps:** Um

 

 **whipsntraps:** Where’d he go?

 

 **burninlove:** dayak took his phone away

 

 **Blonic:** LOL

 

 **ToeBeans:** classic

 

 **Gayspaceranger:** I knew this was going to happen

 

 **whipsntraps:** Pour one out for the fallen.

 

 **whipsntraps:** We will mourn him proudly.


	2. GroupChat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hothotleg - Lance  
> burninlove - Hunk  
> Blonic - Pidge  
> Gayspaceranger - Shiro  
> ToeBeans - Keith  
> whipsntraps - Allura

**Hothotleg:** iverson is a bag of dicks

 

 **burninlove:** damn dude

 

 **Blonic:** oh looks whos back

 

 **Blonic:** watch ur fucking language there are children around

 

 **Gayspaceranger:** lance can’t you even pretend to have respect for the professors?

 

 **Hothotleg:** i have respect for them!! Ive got a ton of respect!

 

 **Hothotleg:** my man coran gets the most bc hes AWESOME

 

 **ToeBeans:** ur only saying that bc he DMs for u nerds

 

 **burninlove:** yeah bc hes totally awesome

 

 **Hothotleg:** i just dont respect iverson the guys a dirtbag

 

 **Hothotleg:** and i dont even wanna guess what crawled up dayaks ass and died

 

 **burninlove:** dude gross

 

 **Hothotleg:** you don get to comment u wouldnt even go w me to get my phone back!!!

 

 **burninlove:** hey, i told u, dayaks hated me since i dropped her class last year

 

 **burninlove:** if i went w you she probably wouldve dropped us both a letter grade

 

 **Hothotleg:** yeah that sounds like an excuse to me

 

 **ToeBeans:** what, did she say sumthing bad abt ariana grande?

 

 **Hothotleg:** HOW DARE U

 

 **Hothotleg:** i dont know but if she does thats the last straw im gonna fucvking drop out

 

 **Hothotleg:** ariana grande is a hero and an icon back me up allura

 

 **whipsntraps:** wait are we dropping out?

 

 **Hothotleg:** yup

 

 **Blonic** : hell yeah lets do this

 

 **burninlove:** dont leave me im coming to!

 

 **Gayspaceranger** : no one is dropping out

 

 **whipsntraps** : :’(

 

 **ToeBeans:** I did

 

 **Gayspaceranger:** I know and I’m still mad at you about it

 

 _Hothotleg_ changed _gayspacerangers_ nickname to _FUNPOLICE_

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : very funny

 

 **Hothotleg** : no sorry theres no funny here the fun police said so

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : keith, will you change my nickname

 

 **ToeBeans** : no way

 

 **ToeBeans** : this is the best one yet

 

 **ToeBeans** : 10/10 lance finally got one right high five

 

 **Hothotleg** : :)

 

 **Hothotleg** : why thank you kind sir

 

 **Hothotleg** : i take pride in my work

 

 **Blonic** : since when? This morning you did a three week calc project on the train to class

 

 **Hothotleg** : PIDGE DONT TELL THEM THAT

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : you did what?

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : you know your calc TA is my roommate, right?

 

 **Blonic:** you definitely have the right nickname

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : PIDGE

 

 **burninlove** : cmon shiro, what matt doesnt know wont hurt him

 

 **Blonic** : actually i think hell be more impressed if u tell him that

 

 **Hothotleg** : really?

 

 **Blonic** : how do u think matt got to be a TA?

 

 **ToeBeans:** lmao shiro is that true?

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : …

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : I don’t have to answer that

 

 **burninlove** : nice

 

 **burninlove** : i love matt hes amazing

‘

 **Blonic** : and screenshotting that

 

 **burninlove** : DUDE

 

 **Blonic** : dont call me dude

 

 **burninlove** : right sorry

 

 **burninlove** : but PIDGE CMON dont do this to me

 

 **Blonic** : relax matt totally loves you, thisll probably just embarrass him

 

 **burninlove** : -_-

 

 **Hothotleg** : wait does hunk still have a crush on matt??

 

 **burninlove** : DUDE

 

 **Hothotleg** : shit sorry man

 

 **Hothotleg** : meant to send that to our chat

 

 **burninlove:** THAT DOESNT HELP

 

 **whipsntraps** : Awww that’s wonderful! Hunk, Matt would be lucky to have you.

 

 **Blonic** : lmao

 

 **burninlove** : thanks

 

 **burninlove** : allura

 

 **burninlove** : can we please never talk about this again i would like to go die now

 

 **Hothotleg** : mood

 

 **whipsntraps** : A crush is nothing to be ashamed of, Hunk.

 

 **whipsntraps** : Lance had a crush on me for years back in middle school.

 

 **Hothotleg** : -_-

 

 **Hothotleg** : now its a bood

 

 **ToeBeans** : what the fuck is a bood

 

 **Hothotleg** : keith how do you know so little abt ur own culture

 

 **ToeBeans** : wtf do u mean

 

 **ToeBeans** : I’m korean-texan thats my culture

 

 **Hothotleg** : u are a tragedy of a gay

 

 **Hothotleg:** just like the macbeth of being a gay

 

 **Blonic** : guys shut up we were talking about hunks giant crush on matt

 

 **burninlove** : DAMMIT PIDGE

 

 **whipsntraps** : I think it’s sweet.

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : i didnt see anything i promise hunk

 

 **Hothotleg** : now thats true friendship

 

 **Hothotleg** : this is the kind of support i need in a relationship

 

 **Blonic** : do u not already get a ton of support from us?

 

 **Hothotleg** : not enough

 

 **Hothotleg** : im underappreciated in my time

 

 **ToeBeans** : you have 14k followers on instagram

 

 **Hothotleg** : BY MY FRIENDS

 

 **Hothotleg:** THE PPL WHO R SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME

 

 **Hothotleg** : i am underappreciated by my peers

 

 **Blonic:** how the hell did you get 14k instagram followers?

 

 **Hothotleg:** UMMM by being a style icon????

 

 **Hothotleg:** its not even that much allura has 200k

 

 **Blonic** : that must be so hard for you

 

 **Hothotleg** : see this is exactly what i mean

 

 **Hothotleg** : what abt this is friendly or supportive?

 

 **ToeBeans** : the fact that we still talk to u

 

 **Hothotleg:** DO YOU SEE THIS ABUSE I UT UP WITH

 

 **burninlove** : how about the fact that keith checks ur instagram

 

 **Blonic** : oh shit!!

 

 **Hothotleg** :!!!

 

 **Hothotleg:** !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 **Hothotleg** : awwwwwwwwwww keithy!!!! <3

 

 **Hothotleg** : i didnt know you cared ;) <3333

 

 **ToeBeans** : i cant read

 

 **Blonic** : Hi im jared im 19 and i never fucking learned how to read

 

 **Hothotleg** : hi im keith kogane im 19 and i never fuckin learned how to read

 

 **burninlove** : why are you both such meme trash

 

 **Gayspaceranger** : I swear I understand like half of what you guys say

 

 **Blonic:** the thing about the youth culture is i dont understand it

 

 **Hothotleg:** the thing abt youth culture is……… i dont understand it

 

 **burninlove:** oh god

 

 **Hothotleg** : HA pidge double meme jinx u owe me a soda

 

 **Hothotleg** : u know i like my root beer frosty

 

 **ToeBeans** : ew

 

 **Blonic** : yeah first of all, thats not a thing

 

 **Blonic:** and second of all im not buying you a soda

 

 **ToeBeans:** third of all root beer is nasty

 

 **Hothotleg** : KEITH you dont like root beer????

 

 **ToeBeans** : no? Who does?

 

 **Hothotleg** : its ur HERITAGE KEITH

 

 **ToeBeans:** stop telling me what my culture is

 

 **burninlove** : root beer can be good, but you really cant trust lances palette, tbh

 

 **Blonic** : yeah remember when he used to drink diet chocolate soda?

 

 **ToeBeans** : oh my god he did what?

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** that sounds terrible for you

 

 **Blonic:** yeah it basically tastes like battery acid

 

 **Hothotleg** : im gonna need you all to not be toxic friends right now?

 

 **ToeBeans** : need or want?

 

 **burninlove** : little a column A, little a column B

 

 **Hothotleg** : no, nope, im gonna call it all column a, definitely need

 

 **Blonic** : eh

 

 **Blonic** : sounds more like want to me

 

 **Hothotleg** : FAKE FRIENDS

 

 **Blonic:** *insert shrug emoji here*

 

 **ToeBeans:** you didnt even take the time to insert a shrug emoji and i think thats beautiful

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : this is way too many message notifications guys

 

 **Hothotleg** : someones taking his name seriously

 

 **whipsntraps** : Just mute it until you have time to catch up.

 

 **Hothotleg** : YOU HAVE US MUTED??

 

 **Hothotleg** : BETRAYAL

 

 **whipsntraps** : Just the groupchat! I swear I don’t mute our private chats.

 

 **Hothotleg** : STILL

 

 **Hothotleg** : I THOUGHT WE MATTERED TO YOU

 

 **whipsntraps** : BINCH i got shit to do

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : honestly

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : do you guys not even have class?

 

 **ToeBeans:** i dont

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** i didnt mean you keith

 

 **Blonic** : thats cold shiro

 

 **ToeBeans:** did anyone notice that lance just disappeared

 

 **ToeBeans** : shiro how did you do that

 

 **burninlove** : he reminded lance that he has a class across campus in 2 minutes

 

 **Blonic:** lmao nice

 

 **ToeBeans:**  getwrekt


	3. Everyone Has a Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whipsntraps - Allura  
> burninlove - Hunk  
> FUNPOLICE - Shiro  
> Blonic - Pidge  
> ToeBeans - Keith  
> Hothotleg - Lance

**whipsntraps** : Oh my gosh oh my gosh!! Guys there’s this new girl in my design class who’s incredibly cute she’s the cutest girl I’ve ever seen!

 

 **whipsntraps** : She’s super nice too! Her name is Romelle and we got partnered up on this project and she’s such a sweetheart! She’s so cool I think I’m  in love.

 

 **burninlove** : thats awesome allura!

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : congrats!

 

 **Blonic** : ooh, allura has a ~girlfriend~

 

 **whipsntraps** : I do not! I don’t even know if she’s gay yet :’(

 

 **whipsntraps:** We’re just lab partners that's all.

 

 **Blonic** : we all know what that means

 

 **ToeBeans:** how could ‘lab partners’ have a double meaning to you

 

 **Blonic:** my parents met when they were lab partners in grad school

 

 **Hothotleg** : WHAT

 

 **Hothotleg** : allura weve been over this! I have to approve all candidates for significant others before u can crush on them

 

 **Hothotleg** : we agreed!!!!

 

 **ToeBeans** : why on earth would allura agree to that

 

 **whipsntraps** : i definitely did not

 

 **Hothotleg** : you definitely did

 

 **Hothotleg** : remeber Lotor?? Remeber???

 

 **Hothotleg** : i remember lotor

 

 **Blonic** : ugh not that guy

 

 **Hothotleg** : i have to make sure she’s good enough for you!

 

 **Hothotleg** : obvi no one is good enough 4 u but i gotta make sure shes close enough

 

 **whipsntraps** : im flattered??? Also insulted

 

 **whipsntraps** : idk how to feel

 

 **Blonic** : thats lances specialty

 

 **burninlove** : thats how i feel evry time he calls me a big gassy genius

 

 **Hothotleg** : weve had this agreement since middle school

 

 **whipsntraps** : No, we made an agreement that I get approval over all of YOUR significant other candidates, not the other way around.

 

 **whipsntraps** : Also because of Lotor.

 

 **Hothotleg** : wait what

 

 **Blonic** : wait what

 

 **ToeBeans** : wait what

 

 **burninlove** : oh I remember that

 

 **burninlove** : remember lance? it was right after nyma stole your wallet and broke up with you, so we instituted a rule

 

 **Hothotleg** : right and the rule applies to all three of us

 

 **ToeBeans** : u had a girlfriend who stole your wallet

 

 **Hothotleg** : only twice

 

 **Hothotleg** : and i broke up w her when she cheated on me

 

 **ToeBeans** : are u fucking kidding me

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : starting to sound like a good rule

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : i think we may need to include everyone on this

 

 **Hothotleg** : hell yeah

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : from now on, we all have to approve lances dates before he can go out with them

 

 **Hothotleg** : WHAT

 

 **Hothotleg** : NO

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : all in favor say aye

 

 **burninlove** : aye

 

 **whipsntraps** : aye

 

 **Blonic** : aye

 

 **ToeBeans** : aye

 

 **ToeBeans** : i don’t actually care but if it bothers lance

 

 **Blonic** : sure you dont

 

 **Hothotleg** : EVEYONE STOP IT

 

 **Hothotleg** : KEITH ILL FIGHT U

 

 **ToeBeans** : youll lose

 

 **Hothotleg:** ILL STILL FIGHT U

 

 **ToeBeans:** and lose

 

 **ToeBeans:** While You Were Busy Being Heterosexual I Studied The Blade

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** watching “sweet knife tricks” videos in your room does not count as studying

 

 **ToeBeans:** SHIRO

 

 **Blonic:** 'sweet knife tricks'?

 

 **Hothotleg:** I KNEW IT I KNEW YOU KNEW SOME GAY MEMES

 

 **Hothotleg:** also that is blatant bi erasure???? How dar u?? Call me heterosExal????

 

 **ToeBeans:** of course i know them i dont live under a rock lance

 

 **Hothotleg:** you live in a shack in the middle of nowhere its the same thing

 

 **ToeBeans:** my shack still has wifi??

 

 **burninlove:** ^thats the pickup line of the year

 

 **Blonic:** Hey so i just scrolled up and

 

 **Blonic:** did lance and allura BOTH date Lotor???

 

 **burninlove:** yeah also each other

 

 **Blonic:** SERIOUSLY????

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** wait, really?

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** allura? Is that true?

 

 **whipsntraps:** ...

 

 **whipsntraps:** I don’t have to answer that.

 

 **Hothotleg:** it was like a week in middleschool it doesnt count!!!!

 

 **ToeBeans:** which one

 

 **Blonic:** oh holy shit

 

 **burninlove:** did you guys seriously not know?

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** I had no idea

 

 **Blonic** : so you guys both fell for his BS?

 

 **whipsntraps** : Like Lance said, it was middle school.

 

 **whipsntraps** : It doesn’t really matter now, but Lance and i were friends and he had a crush on me.

 

 **whipsntraps** : We did finally go out, but about a week later we realized there was no actual romance, and that we had just dated because we thought that if a boy and a girl were close friends they had to be in love with each other.

 

 **Blonic** : well thats bullshit

 

 **Hothotleg** : well yeah we know that now pidge

 

 **Hothotleg** : we kissed once, and after we broke up we didn’t talk for like a year bc we both felt so awkward

 

 **Hothotleg** : it sucked

 

 **burninlove** : i just kinda assumed everyone knew

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : wow thats a lot to process

 

 **whipsntraps:** Like Lance said, it was a dark time for both of us.

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : how did you get to be friends again?

 

 **whipsntraps** : Strangely enough, it was because of Lotor.

 

 **Blonic** : okay what

 

 **ToeBeans** : plot twist of the fucking century

 

 **Blonic** : how did i not know ANY of this???

 

 **whipsntraps:** It’s not something we particularly enjoy talking about.

 

 **whipsntraps** : Lotor took advantage of both of our vulnerable states.

 

 **whipsntraps** : He was this mysterious, older, high school student, and I thought he was incredibly cool. He acted like he genuinely cared about me.

 

 **whipsntraps** : I had just lost my father, and he talked all the time about how he had gone through the same thing.

 

 **whipsntraps** : I thought I could confide in him.

 

 **Blonic** : god what a skeeze

 

 **Blonic:** i mean i knew he was bad but damn

 

 **ToeBeans** : but how did that get you guys talking?

 

 **Hothotleg** : after allura an i “broke up” we stopped really talking, and it got pretty lonely

 

 **Hothotleg** : hunk was just starting to work at his momss restaurant so i didnt really have anyone to talk to

 

 **Hothotleg** : lotor saw me trying to sneak some cigarettes from the gas station, so he bought me a pack and we started talking

 

 **Blonic:** YOU SMOKE?????

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** lance thats… really bad for you.

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** please tell me you dont still smoke?

 

 **Hothotleg:** no not anymore i totally stopped! I did at the time but i quit like a couple years ago so its really not important anyway

 

 **ToeBeans:**  wow this is a lot to process

 

 **Hothotleg** : ANYWAY so we started talking and got really close and then he kinda

 

 **Hothotleg:** pulled some fuckshit

 

 **Hothotleg** : so i noped the heck outta there and tried to ignore him

 

 **Hothotleg** : then i saw him hanging around allura all the time so i tried to warn her what a creep he is

 

 **whipsntraps** : I thought Lance was just acting jealous, that he still had feelings for me, and so I ignored him.

 

 **whipsntraps** ; Of course, Lotor eventually revealed himself to be the asshole he truly was.

 

 **whipsntraps** : When I dumped him, Lance was there to comfort me.

 

 **Hothotleg** : and thats when we made that rule!! It goes for both of us allura not just me, so ya gotta send pictures of that cutie!!!

 

 **Blonic** : wow

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : I had no idea

 

 **burninlove** : i still feel terrible for missing most of this. I kinda didnt realize what my besties were going through and i wasnt there to help them :’(

 

 **whipsntraps** : Oh Hunk it wasn’t your fault at all! We told you, you couldn’t have known, there’s no reason to blame yourself!

 

 **Hothotleg** : yeah hunk we were just a bunch of dumb kids!! There was totally nothing you could’ve done!

 

 _Blonic_ changed the name of _whipsntraps_ to _DisasterBiNo1_

 

 _Blonic_ changed the name of _Hothotleg_ to _DisasterBiNo2_

 

 **DisasterBiNo1** : Hey!

 

 **DisasterBiNo2** : pidge!!not fair!

 

 **DisasterBiNo2** : and why am i second???

 

 **Blonic** : am i wrong???

 

 **Blonic** : yall are a mess

 

 **DisasterBiNo2** : u r a bitter little asexual

 

 **Blonic** : true

 

 **Blonic** : but u guys are still a mess

 

 **Blonic** : and alluras first because we all know shes the empress and supreme overlord ruler of our group

 

 **Blonic:** even when shes being a disaster shes in charge

 

 **DisasterBiNo2** :...

 

 **DisasterBiNo2** : maybe so

 

 **DisasterBiNo1** : Awwww Pidge! Why thank you. <3 <3 <3 That’s so sweet. But if I’m Empress, then what will you be?

 

 **Blonic** : is that even a question? Im the master of secrets, captain of spies, and chief executor of your commands

 

 **Blonic** : Hunk is your faithful steward

 

 **burninlove** : im not sure i like being a steward

 

 **Blonic** : chill hunk youre in charge of the stronghold

 

 **burninlove** : oh well thats okay then

 

 **Blonic:** my man coran is your closest advisor and head of the court

 

 **Blonic** : shiro is the captain of the guard, of course, your stalwart defender and bodyguard

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : that works for me

 

 **Blonic** : and lance is the court jester

 

 **DisasterBiNo2** : WHAT

 

 **DisasterBiNo2** : HELL NO

 

 **DisasterBiNo1** : *heart eyes emoji*

 

 **DisasterBiNo1** : Oh Pidge I love it! Thank you. It’s perfect.

 

 **DisasterBiNo2** : NO THE HECK ITS NOT

 

 **DisasterBiNo2:** AND WHERES KEITH

 

 **Blonic:** oh concerned about him are you?

 

 **DisasterBiNo2:** IAM NOT

 

 **Blonic:** dont worry, keiths the master spy and general of alluras armies

 

 **DisasterBiNo2:** WHY DOES HE GET TO BE SUPERCOOL AND IM THE JESTER??????

 

 **DisasterBiNo2** : AND CHANGE OUR NAMES BACK

 

 **burninlove** : it is getting kinda hard to tell them apart

 

 **Blonic** : fine…

 

 _Blonic_ changed the nickname of _DisasterBiNo1_ to _Six Dick Princess_

 

 _Blonic_ changed the nickname of _DisasterBiNo2_ to _BisexualDisaster_

 

 **Six Dick Princess** : PIDGE I LOVE IT!

 

 **BisexualDisaster** : hey! thats not different!

 

 **Blonic** : im just bein honest

 

 **BisexualDisaster** : GREMLIN

 

 _BisexualDisaster_ changed the nickname of _Blonic_ to _GoblinChild_

 

 **GoblinChild** : wait so am i a gremlin or a goblin??

 

 **BisexualDisaster** : BOTH

 

 **BisexualDisaster** : YOU ARE A SINNER

 

 **BisexualDisaster:** NONE OF YUOY ARE FREE FROM SIN

 

 **GoblinChild** : well if you wanna play it that way

 

 _GoblinChild_ changed the nickname of _BisexualDisaster_ to _THATFUCKINFURRY_

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : SLANDER

 

 **GoblinChild** : YOU KNOW ITS TRUE

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : guys, calm down. Its way too late for this.

 

 **burninlove** : yeah honestly its like 3am and your all still blowing up my phone

 

 _THATFUCKINFURRY_ changed the nickname of _burninlove_ to _GordonRamsayKink_

 

 **GordonRamsayKink** : EXCUSE ME?

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : WE ALL KNOW ITS TRUE HUNK

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : SEARCHYOUR FEELINGS YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE

 

 **ToeBeans** : lance is a furry?

 

 **GoblinChild:** always has been always will be

 

 **ToeBeans** : im honestly stil getting used to him dating lotor and allura and a girl who stole his wallet

 

 **ToeBeans** : this is actually easier to comprehend

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : HEY EVRYONE KEITHS BACK

 

 _THATFUCKINFURRY_ changed the name of _ToeBeans_ to _MothmanFucker_

 

 **MothmanFucker** : LANCE

 

 **MothmanFucker** : ARE YOU SERIOUS

 

 **MothmanFucker** : IT WAS ONE TIME

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : Sorry what??

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : KEITH YOU SAID AND I QUOTE

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : “I want Mothman to raw me”

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : excuse me??????

 

 **GoblinChild:** i never want this chat to end

 

 **MothmanFucker** : IT WAS A JOKE LANCE LET IT GO

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : U MADE ME READ THAT W MY OWN TWO EYES

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : I CAN NEVER LET IT GO

 

 **GordonRamsayKink** : did keith seriously say that?

 

 **GoblinChild** : i believe it

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : IVE GOT SCREENSHOTS TO PROVE IT BITCH

 

 **MothmanFucker** : DAMMIT LANCE

 

 **GordonRamsayKink:** forget what i said i hope tonight never ends

 

 _MothmanFucker_ changed the nickname of _GordonRamsayKink_ to _GordonRamsayKin_

 

 **GordonRamsayKin:** im either kink or kin u guys gotta make a decision

 

 **GoblinChild:** everything is either kink or kin

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** im leaving this chat

 

 **MothmanFucker:** FUCK YOU ALL IM LEAVING FIRST

 

_MothmanFucker has left the chat_

 

 **GoblinChild** : aaaaaaaand hes gone

 

 **GoblinChild** : good job lance

 

 **THATFUCKINFURRY** : w/e ill ad him back in the mornng

 

 **FUNPOLICE** : Why is my little brother asking someone to raw him???

 

 **GordonRamsayKink** : …

 

 **GoblinChild** : so,,,, do you wanna answer that or should i?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someones not telling the whole truth :)


	4. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ThatFuckinFurry - Lance  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> MothmanFucker - Keith  
> Six Dick Princess - Allura  
> FUNPOLICE - Shiro  
> GordonRamsayKink - Hunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one in this chat scrolls up, do they?

**ThatFuckinFurry** : jfc pidge dont u ever sleep?

 

 **Gerblins** : sleep is for the weak

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry** : more like sleep is for the week AMIRIGHT

 

 **Gerblins** : gdi lance

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** god crazy exgirlfriend didnt need to go so hard but it did

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** it did that for us

 

 **MothmanFucker:** thats why ur up this late???? Ur watching sum stupid show??

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** CRAZY EXGIRLFIEND IS A TREASURE

 

 **Gerblins:** ….i hate to side w lance but…. hes right

 

 **MothmanFucker:** how good could a show called crazy ex girlfriend be

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** jfc 0_0

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** keef im praying 4 u

 

 **MothmanFucker:** pls dont

 

 **Gerblins:** RT to pay ur respects to keiths taste

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** RT

 

 **Gerblins:** allura why r you up this late???

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** I’m 21, I have more reason to be up this late than you do, Pidge.

 

 **Gerblins:** teenagers aren’t supposed to get any sleep its a well known fact

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** that is a goddamn lie and u know it

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** Pidge you know thats unhealthy

 

 **Gerblins:** don’t u have an 8am class tomorrow?

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** I do but Im an adult and I can make that decision for myself

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** What are you doing up this late?

 

 **Gerblins:** nothing says im an adult like loudly declaring that you are an adult

 

 **Gerblins:** ill sleep when im dead

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** is everyone just awake right now???

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** shiro i thought u went to bed early to be a rolemodel for all the kids out there

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** every night i lie awake until my multiple heart attacks put me to sleep

 

 **Gerblins:** 0 o 0

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** SHIRO KNOWS A MEME

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** i spend enough time around you all i ought to know more than one

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** How is that a meme?

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:**  allura what r you doin up?

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** I’m trying to become Seven Dick Princess, that’s what.

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:**!!!!!

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** GET IT GURLLLL

 

 **Gerblins:** damn allura

 

 **MothmanFucker:** and i thought lance was the ultimate ho

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** EXCUSE??????

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** HOW DARE

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** Keith!!!!!

 

 **MothmanFucker:** its a compliment!!! Its suppposed to be a compliment

 

 **MothmanFucker:** allura i have absolutely nothing but respect for the queen ho

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** Well I should think so!

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** allura u r actually my icon and my hero did u know that??

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** yes lance thank you

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** With Every Dick She Shall Grow Infinitely Stronger

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** Until The Day She Rises To Her Final Form, Nine Dick Princess, And On That Day, She Will Become Unstoppable

 

 **Six Dick Princess:**  Don’t any of you forget it.

 

 **Gerblins:** is the Thot convention over yet

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** RUDE PIDGE

 

 **MothmanFucker:** what are u even doing awake you child

 

 **Gerblins:** I THOUGHT WE COVERED THIS ALREADY

 

 **Gerblins:** ILL SLEEP WHEN IM DEAD

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** Pidge so help me ill call your brother to make you go to bed

 

 **Gerblins:** if matt could make me do anything i wouldnt have gotten both our allowances for three years

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** …

 

 **MothmanFucker:** wow

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** fuckin savage

 

 **Gerblins:** the real question is wheres hunk

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** hunk is sleeping like a bag of bricks after his exam

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** none of u are allowed to wake him up!! the chat is muted on his phone n hes gonna get some goddamn rest

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** I thought muting the chat was a betrayal?

 

 **ThatFuckingFurry:** its only a betrayal if i dont do it for you

 

 **MothmanFucker:** are you fucking kidding me

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** there are rules!

 

 **Gerblins:** did you make up these rules

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** maybe

 

 **Gerblins:** good! we dont have to listen to them

 

 **MothmanFucker:** thank fuck

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** *GAY GASP*

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** AND HERE I THOUGHT YOU GUYS CARED ABOUT ME

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** we do care lance we just have limits

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** Sounds Fake But Okay

 

 **MothmanFucker:** why dont you spend less time making up fake friendship rules and more time trying not to be late for every single class you have

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** thanks for the advice dropout! do u even have things to waje up for?

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** Lance!

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** Lance that was completely inappropriate

 

 **MothmanFucker:** i do work yknow

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** you do??????

 

 **MothmanFucker:** yeah?? what did you think i do all day?

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** i hadnt really thought about it

 

 **Gerblins:** keith works at the mechanic shop downtown

 

 **MothmanFucker:** my shifts usually start in the afternoon

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** ….

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** that makes sense

 

 **Gerblins:** some of us have reasons to be up this late that aren’t just blasting angel haze and the in the heights soundtrack on repeat

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** okay first of all rude and second of all uncalled for

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** third of all there is abslutely nothing wrong with staying up late to listen to the prophets of our time

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** Well, you were being rather rude yourself Lance.

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** true but also everytime i see ur name i choke and forget whut i was doing

 

 **MothmanFucker:**  why is your name six dick princess?

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** We’ve been over this, Keith.

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** You know why.

 

 **Gerblins:** ew

 

 **Gerblins:** quit being nasty in front of a child

 

 **Six Dick Princess:** But you came up with the name?

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** and you def dont count as a child

 

 **Gerblins:** I AM 12 AND A HALF

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** UR IN COLLEGE

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** Pidge either youre a child and you have to go to bed or youre an adult and you can handle the idea of people having sex

 

 **Gerblins:** fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** so heres a fuckin revelation but i dont ever wanna picture shiro saying the word sex ever again

 

 **MothmanFucker:** seconded

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** whats wrong with me saying the word sex?

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** ugh

 

 **ThatFuckingFurry:** its like hearing ur parents say it

 

 **MothmanFucker:** honestly

 

 **MothmanFucker:** shiro ive been traumatized since our “talk” in 8th grade

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** YOURE WHAT

 

 **Gerblins:** 8th grade??? Damn shiro

 

 **Gerblins:** leavin it a little late there

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** I only adopted keith when he was in 8th grade!

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** I was trying to be responsible

 

 **MothmanFucker:** you were trying to kill me is what u were doing

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** shiro!!!!!1

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** thats so nasty!!!!

 

 **FUNPOLICE:**?

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** am I really being kinkshamed by two people called Thatfuckingfurry and Mothmanfucker??

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** seriously?

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** well now ur the one kinkshaming were just trying to live here goddamn

 

 **MothmanFucker:** let us LIVE shiro

 

 **FUNPOLICE:** youre my little brother! Imagine how this makes me feel!

 

 **MothmanFucker:** no

 

 _ThatFuckinFurry_ changed the nickname of _FUNPOLICE_ to _KINKPOLICE_

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** very funny lance

 

 **KINPOLICE:** now change it back

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** no takebacks u kinkshamer

 

 **Gerblins:** you reap what you sow shiro

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** FINE YOU KNOW WHAT?

 

 _KINKPOLICE_ changed the nickname of _Six Dick Princess_ to _Seven Dick Princess_

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** ?

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** what des that even mean

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** how do u kno?

 

 **MothmanFucker:** oh god…

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** TAKE A GUESS

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** 0.0

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** WAIT

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** IS SHIRO THE 7TH DICK??????

 

 **MothmanFucker:** god pleas kill me now

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** :/

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Well that’s one way to tell everyone.

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** OH MY GOD

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** SHIRO YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE GAY

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** I’m pan lance weve talked about this many many times

 

 **Gerblins:** SINNERS

 

 **Gerblins:** NONE OF YOU ARE FREE FROM SIN

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** OHMIGOD

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING RIGHT NOW????

 

 **MothmanFucker:** i would like to respectfully request to die now

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** While we text you guys!? Why do you think we would do that?

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** ALOT OF THINGS I DIDNT THINK WOULD HAPEN R HAPPENING RN

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** 2018 IS TRULY THE YEAR OF PLOT TWISTS

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** youre the one who thought we were dating when we first met

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** UNTIL ALLURA SAID SHE WAS A LESBIAN

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** At the time I truly thought I was!

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** My attraction to Shiro is one of the things which led me to realize the truth about myself.

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** SHIRO TURNED YOU BI?????????

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** No??

 

 **Gerblins:** lance thats not how that works thats not how anything works

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING RIGHT NOT

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** oh no i think i broke him

 

 **MothmanFucker:** was he ever working

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** FUCK YOU KEITH

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** Well at least thats still working

 

 **Gerblins:** i think lance could use some sleep

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** God thats relatable

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** You’re the one who caused this in the first place!

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** Look i love lance but everyone has their limits

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** the lord giveth and the lorde taketh away

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** ive been resurrected by daddy saying he loves me

 

 **Gerblins:** AND thats my limit im out guys

 

 **MothmanFucker:** me too

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww keeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiithhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

 **MothmanFucker:** goodbye friends i am gone

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** So thats how you get pidge to go to bed

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Yes, congratulations, you’ve found the perfect method.

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** :/

 

 **KINKPOLICE:** Sorry I dragged you into this

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** It’s alright, but you should all probably get some rest now.

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** awwwww come back mom n dad

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** anyone?

 

 **ThatFuckinFurry:** And Then There Was One

 

 **GordonRamsayKin:** uhhh…

 

 **GordonRamsayKin:** what HAPPENED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, Pidge is 17 in this, but since everyone else is 20+ shes the child


	5. R.I.P. Drunk White Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MothmanFucker - Keith  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> ThatFeckinFurry - Lance  
> Stay Puft Marshmallow Man - Hunk  
> KINKPOLICE - Shiro  
> Seven Dick Princess - Allura
> 
> PapaGay - Shiro  
> Baby Gay - Keith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I've mentioned this but a lot of things that happen in this fic are loosely based on my real life and my real friends. Some parts of the chats have been lifted like, word for word from my groupchat. It's going to get a little bit real in this one, again, based on my real experiences. It's nothing triggering I don't think, just mentions of health insurance battles, but I guess it could be upsetting. Anyway, this fic is mostly for fun and meant to be silly and funny, but there's real life sprinkled here and there and it's probably been noticed by this point. There might be angst later on, but for the most part I'm going to keep trying to keep it light.

**MothmanFucker:** why is this chat called drunk white children?

 

**MothmanFucker:** theres only one white child and i dont think shes ever been drunk

 

**Gerblins:** that is Correct sir

 

**MothmanFucker:** so then?

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** bc john mulaney is the voice of a generation

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** yeah its a pretty iconic line and we thought it would be kinda funny and a little accurate

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** better question: why r u always the one who has problems w the names of things??

 

**MothmanFucker:** bc youre usually the one who named them

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** wow rude

 

_ThatFeckinFurry_ changed the nickname of _MothmanFucker_ to _pickybitch_

 

**pickybitch:** thanks i hate it

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** see? Accurate

 

**pickybitch:** that doesnt fix the chat name

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** ugh fine u really r a picky bitch

 

**pickybitch:** thats my name, dont wear it out

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** oof they’re both killing it tonight

 

**Gerblins:** hunk its really sweet that you think that

 

**_ThatFeckinFurry changed the name of the chat to Eat Ass Suck A Dick And Sell Drugs_ **

 

**pickybitch:** acceptable

 

**KINKPOLICE:** Nope Not Doing That

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** but shirooooooooooooooooooo

 

**Gerblins:** its also just another john mulaney quote so good job lance

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** UGH everyones a critic

 

**pickybitch:** thats kind of the idea behind the internet

 

**_ThatFeckinFurry changed the name of the chat to Kill people Burn shit Fuck school_ **

 

**KINKPOLICE:** NO LANCE

 

**pickybitch:** 100% ACCEPTED

 

**Gerblins:** HELL YEAH

 

**KINKPOLICE:** Just no.

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** see shiro ppl might listen to u more if u knew how to change the names of these things urself

 

**KINKPOLICE:** …

 

**KINKPOLICE:** True, but I know you all respect me too much to completely disregard the feelings I’ve expressed on this matter.

 

**Gerblins:** …

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** wow

 

**Gerblins:** he really just did that

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** :/

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** well fuck now we have to change the name

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** thanks alot shiro

 

**KINKPOLICE:** Now I’m not forcing anyone to do anything. I would never force you guys to do something you didn’t want to.

 

**Gerblins:** yeah yeah you made your point

 

**Gerblins:** so now what are we gonna call it

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** the fabulous five?

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** there are six of us

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** the fabulous five an we kick keith out?

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** No one is getting kicked out.

 

**Gerblins:** lance when will you learn

 

**Gerblins:** shiros far too powerful to let that happen

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** yeah yeah i know ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** or forgotten

 

**Gerblins:** or forgotten

 

**pickybitch:** what…

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** lilo and stitch? The most underrated disney movie ever???

 

**pickybitch:** last week you said that was hercules

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** HERCULES IS UNDERRATED TOO

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** not as much as lilo and stitch tho!!!1

 

**pickybitch:** what is that

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** OH MY GOD HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN LILO AAN STITCH????

 

**pickybitch:** why is that a big deal?

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** I mean thats a pretty big deal dude its an awesome movie

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** jfc keith did u not have a childhood????

 

**pickybitch:** i was kind of busy having no parents

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** oh

 

**Gerblins:** WHOOMP THERE IT IS

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** Im sorry keith we shouldnt have said anything!!

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** PIDGE NO

 

**pickybitch:** guys its fine im not gonna cry or anything

 

**pickybitch:** i dont know if you know this but ive actually known im an orphan for quite a while

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** are you sure man? Youre not mad?

 

**pickybitch:** im not mad

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** okay

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** ill go tell lance then

 

**pickybitch:** “go tell” him?

 

**Gerblins:** where

 

**Gerblins:** where is he?

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** he felt really bad for what he said so now hes crying in the bathroom

 

**Gerblins:** oh my god thats fucking hilarious

 

**pickybitch:** wow

 

**pickybitch:** thats

 

**pickybitch:** nice of him i guess

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** he wants to invite everyone over to watch lilo and stitch tonight

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** can anyone make it?

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Absolutely! I’ll be there as soon as possible, Hunk.

 

**KINKPOLICE:** Ill see if i can get the night off

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** great! Were gonna make some brownies until you guys get here. Pidge, you in?

 

**Gerblins:** you have to ask? Im already on my way over

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** nice

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** uh keith?

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** you there man?

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Maybe he hasn’t seen the message yet.

 

**KINKPOLICE:** Hes probably working, Im sorry hunk

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** I guess that makes sense

 

**pickybitch:** ill be there

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:**  really???? Thats awesome man!!! U can make it???

 

**pickybitch:** yeah

 

**pickybitch:** ill be there

  
  
  
  


**PapaGay:** are you alright?

**Baby Gay:** shiro im fine

**PapaGay:** i thought the chat may have gotten a little intense for you

**PapaGay:** you know you don’t have to come to the movie night if you dont want to

**Baby Gay:** seriously shiro im good

**Baby Gay:** i actually really want to go

**PapaGay:** really?

**Baby Gay:** yeah

**Baby Gay:** its kind of been a while since i hung out with you guys

**PapaGay:** you know if you moved back up here we’d be able to see you more often

**Baby Gay:** i know

**PapaGay:** okay. Just checking in on my baby brother. You know im allowed to worry

**Baby Gay:** i know

**Baby Gay:** i appreciate it

**Baby Gay:** are you doing alright?

**PapaGay:** im fine, why?

**Baby Gay:** i know you were having some trouble with ur medication

**Baby Gay:** and the insurance company was being a dick

**PapaGay:** its all sorted out now

**PapaGay:** they didnt want to pay for the physical therapy and the meds so

**Baby Gay:** so u talked to them and sorted it out and you have everything you need?

**PapaGay:** i had to drop pt, but the meds are completely covered so theres no need to worry

**Baby Gay:** they made you drop physical therapy? What the hell? What about your arm? Are you gonna call them out on it?

**PapaGay:** honestly it was hard enough just to get the medication covered

**PapaGay:** i dont think i have the energy for another weeklong phone call and paperwork battle

**Baby Gay:** this is bullshit? Why are they allowed to do this? Shiro you need to fight back

**PapaGay:** theres a time and a place to stand up, keith

**PapaGay:** im going to be fine, and this is not your problem to worry about, okay?

**Baby Gay:** i hate this

**PapaGay:** I know. But thats life. You can’t always win.

**Baby Gay:** this isnt about winning this is about wanting my older brother to have some kind of quality of life are you shitting me

**PapaGay:** my life is fine keith. Im the one whose job is to worry about you, not the other way around

**Baby Gay:** that doesnt help you know

**PapaGay:** keith you need to drop it

**Baby Gay:** why???? This doesnt make any sense

**PapaGay:** i said to drop it. Im not talking about this anymore.

**Baby Gay:** Fine. I’ll call you tomorrow.

**PapaGay:** okay. Good night keith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW shiros name in the private chat is absolutely a reference to Once on This Island, based on the fact that he was the stage director of a production made by the garrisons theater department a couple years back (of course lance was a starring role and hunk was a set builder. pidge was a lighting tech, and its how the three of them met shiro. matt was a casting director. great now i want to write this story as a separate fic) anyway thats the story behind their private chat names.


	6. Regime Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pickybitch - Keith  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> ThatFeckinFurry / officialMemelord - Lance  
> KINKPOLICE - Shiro  
> Stay Puft Marshmallow Man / cinnamonrolls - Hunk  
> sunshinesauce - Matt  
> Seven Dick Princess - Allura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S7 didn't happen if you ask me, I'm just gonna keep writing fanfic and drinking my soda.
> 
> tw: smoking mention

**pickybitch:** at what point can i monetize my tragic backstory

 

**Gerblins:** whenever you actually want to

 

**ThatFeckinFurry** : what tragic backstory

 

**pickybitch:** I Never Had A Father

 

**KINKPOLICE:** keith what are you talking about you’ve shown me pictures of your father

 

**pickybitch:** I Am Being Facetiously Dramatic Shiro Let Me Live

 

**Gerblins:** shiro dont snitch on your emo son

 

**KINKPOLICE:** keith we all have tragic backstories the point isnt to monetize them but to live with them the best you can

 

**pickybitch:** those r the exact same thing

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** coping mechanisms is the same

 

**Gerblins:** i mean id hesitate to call making money a coping mechanism but it definitely helps

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** we all need sugar daddies

 

**Gerblins:** now that sounds like a coping mechanism

 

**pickybitch:** im down

 

**KINKPOLICE:** abolutely not

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** its like the names we give shiro are prophetic????

 

**Gerblins:** maybe

 

**Gerblins:** lance promise to use this power for good

 

**KINKPOLICE:** were not doing this

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** right of course of corse use it for good

 

_ThatFeckinFurry_ changed the nickname of _KINKPOLICE_ to _Lanceys New Sugar Zaddy_

 

**Gerblins:** rip shiro i assume reading that killed you

 

**Lanceys New Sugar Zaddy:** NO NOPE NOT DOIN THAT

 

**pickybitch:** i s2g lance the things you make me read with my own two human eyes

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** if ive learned one thing from witchy selfcare rituals its that the energy you put out into the universe is what you get back and if you want something to be true you first have to verbalize it

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** thats not how any of that works and you know it

 

**pickybitch:** how can someone whos broke be a sugar daddy

 

**Lanceys New Sugar Zaddy:** lance you have five seconds to change this nickname

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** or what

 

**Lanceys New Sugar Zaddy:** okay then

 

_ThatFuckinFurry has been permanently banned from Kill People Burn Shit Fuck School_

 

**Gerblins:** rip lance i cant believe we all just saw him die

 

**pickybitch:** what are you talking about

 

**pickybitch:** oh my god

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** WHOA SHIRO YOU CAN DO THAT?

 

_Lanceys New Sugar Zaddy_ has added _sunshinesauce_ to the chat

 

**Gerblins:** hey matt

 

**sunshinesauce:** sup katie

 

_sunshinesauce_ has changed the nickname of _Lanceys New Sugar Zaddy_ to _TheOriginalDadbod_

 

**TheOriginalDadbod:**  Matt cmon thats not better

 

**sunshinesauce:** No ur right sorry shiro

 

_sunshinesauce_ has changed the nickname of _TheOriginalDadbod_ to _SheriffGrandpa_

 

**Sheriff Grandpa:** :/

 

**Gerblins:** You Fool

 

**Gerblins:** You Have Traded One Tyrant For Another

 

_sunshinesauce_ changed the nickname of _sunshinesauce_ to _New Sheriff In Town_

 

**pickybitch** : how did you pick ur own nickname? can we all do that

 

**Gerblins:** i mean matt and i can do it because we're smart

 

**Gerblins:** hunk could probably figure it out if he wanted to

 

**Gerblins:** i dont know about the rest of you

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** lance wasnt a tyrant! Hes a goofball he doesnt know how to be a tyrant

 

**New Sheriff In Town:** Then how did you end up with that heinous chat name cuz i know shiro didnt vote for that

 

**New Sheriff In Town:** It was definitely keith lance or katie, and i dont see two of those people caring that much

 

**Sheriff Grandpa:** ive made a huge mistake

 

**New Sheriff In Town:** yeah dyeing ur hair silver was the first one

 

**Sheriff Grandpa:** that was in high school how do you even remember that?

 

**pickybitch** : please tell me someone has pictures of that

 

**Gerblins:** dont worry i got this

 

_Gerblins_ has changed the name of _New Sheriff In Town_ to _NewSheryiffinTown_

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** KATIE

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** WHO TAUGHT MY LITTLE SISTER THESE WORDS

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** WTF WHY CANT I CHANGE IT BACK

 

**Gerblins:** ive been on the internet for years matt ive known both those things since i was twelve

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** we never shouldve gotten wifi

 

**Sheriff Grandpa:** welcome to my world

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** i cant believe lance is missing this

 

**pickybitch:** i cant believe i still havent muted this chat

 

_Gerblins_ removed the ban from _ThatFeckinFurry_

 

_Gerblins_ added _ThatFeckinFurry_ to the chat  _Kill People Burn Shit Fuck School_

 

**Sheriff Grandpa:** come on pidge

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** SHERIFF GRANDPA IM DYING ASHDFGFDESKDJVHGF

 

**Gerblins:** and hes back

 

**pickybitch:** classic

 

**Sheriff Grandpa:** matt i only asked you to do one thing

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** hey its not my fault my little sister is good at everything

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** shiro cant relate

 

**pickybitch:** jumping right in i guess

 

**pickybitch:** not even a pause for breath

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** not my fault insulting you is easier then breathibg

 

**pickybitch:** and apparently easier than spelling

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** hot take: correcting someones spelling is just short hand for “i cant think of anything else to say”

 

**pickybitch:** breaking news: nothing can stop area man from being a gaping asshole

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** breakingnews: local man cant go ten mintues without talking about my asshole

 

**pickybitch:** definitely not what i meant and it doesnt even fit the onion headline format

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** Yikes so thats why you banned him

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** MATT I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** alls fair in love and war

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** ……………….,..........

 

**ThatFeckinFurry:** WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

 

_Gerblins_ changed the name of _ThatFeckinFurry_ to _IceIceBaby_

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** It means id do anything for shiro and u know this?

 

**IceIceBaby:** oh right

 

**IceIceBaby:** you still tryin to seduce shiro?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** always on that grind

 

**IceIceBaby:** same tbh what an icon

 

**Sheriff Grandpa:** in that case can you change my name?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** of course not why would i do that

 

**Sheriff Grandpa:** :/

 

**IceIceBaby:** what does my name mean

 

**pickybitch:** probably a reference to when you just eat ice like a weirdo

 

**IceIceBaby:** thats not weird lots of ppl just like eat ice???

 

**pickybitch:** not really but go off i guess

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** actually yeah lance that could be a sign of an iron deficiency

 

**Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:** are you eating enough?

 

**IceIceBaby:** huuuuuuuuunk stop tryna mom friend me

 

**Gerblins:** have you ever watched lance eat

 

**Gerblins:** hes definitely getting enough

 

**IceIceBaby:** RUDE

 

**IceIceBaby:** wait was that rude? I cant tell if thats an insut

 

**Gerblins:** sometimes its not even fun to make fun of you

 

**pickybitch:** nothings fun if theres no challenge to it

 

**IceIceBaby:** omfg now ur using my jokes!!!!

 

**IceIceBaby:** get ur own jokes keith!!!!

 

_pickybitch_ changed the nickname of _IceIceBaby_ to _BabybabyIce_

 

**BabybabyIce:**....,........

 

**BabybabyIce:** okay i cant tell if thats an insult either

 

**Gerblins:** jesus lance

 

**Gerblins:** just assume that whenever keith or i say anything at all we’re insulting you

 

**BabyBabyIce:** really??????? in front of my salad?????

 

**pickybitch:** what salad wtf lance

 

**Gerblins:** yes really in front of your salad now leave us alone so we can do our fucking homework

 

**BabyBabyIce:** ….

 

**BabyBabyIce:** keith doesnt have homework

 

**pickybitch:** doesnt mean i want to talk to you

 

**BabyBabyIce:** WELL ALRIGHT THEN

  
_BabyBabyIce_ has left the chat  _Kill People Burn Shit Fuck School_  
  
  
**Gerblins:** fucking finally

 

 

 

 

 

**cinnamonrolls:**  hey are you alright man?

**officialMemelord:** yeah im fine why?

**cinnamonrolls:** no reason just

**cinnamonrolls:** kinda thought i smelled something when you came back from your walk

**officialMemelord:** subtle

**officialMemelord:** no hunk, i wasnt smoking, i told you i quit

**cinnamonrolls:** i know i know!!!

**cinnamonrolls:** just yknow

**cinnamonrolls:** making sure

**officialMemelord:** i know, i appreciate it

**cinnamonrolls:** wanna watch something tonight? Im testing out a new cookie recipe so ill be up late anyway

**officialMemelord:** nah i think im gonna head to sleep early

**officialMemelord:** all those tests tmrw and all

**cinnamonrolls:** okay….

**officialMemelord:** hunk i promise im okay

**cinnamonrolls:** you know you can talk to me about anything right?

**officialMemelord:** yeah of coursse

**cinnamonrolls:** and i know keiths been kind of hard on you in the chat

**officialMemelord:** why would that matter

**cinnamonrolls:** well i mean i know its important to you what he thinks of you

**officialMemelord:** hunk he literally forgot that we went to high school together

**officialMemelord:** i dont think hes thinking anything about me

**cinnamonrolls:** cmon buddy you know thats not true

**cinnamonrolls:** you guys are friends!

**officialMemelord:** we were kind of getting there, but then he dropped out and moved away so

**officialMemelord:** whatever it doesnt matter

**officialMemelord:** talk to you tomorrow okay?

**cinnamonrolls:** yeah totally

**cinnamonrolls:** goodnight lance

**officialMemelord:** gnight mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lance is having what I like to call a Not Great Mental Health Day, and he smokes when he's really stressed.


	7. Best Laid Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BabyBabyIce - Lance  
> pickybitch - Keith  
> SheriffGrandpa - Shiro  
> Stay Puft - Hunk  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> Seven Dick Princess - Allura  
> NewSheryiffinTown - Matt

**BabyBabyIce:** how tf did george washington get diptheria, TB, smallpox, and dysentery and not die from ANY OF THEM?? IN THE 1800’S????

 

**BabyBabyIce:** what was that man made of

 

**pickybitch:** cast iron

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** looks like someones actually paying attention in history

 

**Stay Puft:** wood

 

**Gerblins:** turns out he never died

 

**Gerblins:** he stepped down because hes immortal and he didnt want anyone to find out

 

**BabyBabyIce:** that sounds like a keith-conspiracy-theory

 

**pickybitch:** i thought he died from leeches

 

**Stay Puft:** actually he assimilated them

 

**Stay Puft:** hes leeches now

 

**Gerblins:** ^true

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Where is he now?

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** This man of wood and leeches.

 

**Gerblins:** no one knows

 

**Gerblins:** he keeps a pretty low profile cuz everyone in the us knows his face

 

**BabyBabyIce:** do we though? like we know what he looks like with a wig and all that makeup on and in those oil paintings, but how do we know those r accurate??

 

**Gerblins:** you think that dude has changed his fashion? He is a Man he has no taste

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** The leeches and wood might be suspicious

 

**Stay Puft:** 10 leeches in a wooden trench coat

 

**Stay Puft:** or 10 woods in a leech trench coat

 

**pickybitch:** ew

 

**Stay Puft:** whatever floats your boat

 

**BabyBabyIce:** idk man ive seen those oil paintings the dude had some pretty good style

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Did he truly? Or did he simply dress up for the days he needed to pose and then wear terrible clothes the rest of the time?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** …

 

**BabyBabyIce:** good point

 

**pickybitch:** theres a lot well never know about him

 

**Gerblins:** we really dont know that much about him

 

**Stay Puft:** how can we trust him to be our president like this?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** do we even know where he was born???

 

**BabyBabyIce:** he wasnt even born in the USA!!!! how can we trust him??

 

**Gerblins:** oh no who let him be president

 

**Stay Puft:** hes an immigrant!!!

 

**pickybitch:** all the founding fathers were immigrants

 

**BabyBabyIce:** what kinda country

 

**Stay Puft:** who let them be in charge?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** goddam immigrants always ruining this country

 

**Gerblins:** honestly its a disgrace

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** what are you guys doing

 

**BabyBabyIce:** making terrible jokes what do u think were doing

 

**Gerblins:** speak for yourself my jokes are comedy gold

 

**pickybitch:** wooden leech george washington is comedy gold now?

 

**pickybitch:** have our standards gotten that low

 

**BabyBabyIce:** dont mind keith he doesnt have a sense of humor just look at his name

 

**pickybitch:** lance fight me

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** dont fight my brother please

 

**pickybitch:** shiro stay out of it ill fight anyone

 

**BabyBabyIce:** catch keith in a dennys parking lot tryna fight some pigeons

 

**pickybitch:** watch out pigeons

 

**pickybitch:** im coming for you

 

**BabyBabyIce:** theyve had it too good for too long

 

**BabyBabyIce:** now  keith kogayne is here to take them all down a peg

 

**Gerblins:** why do you want to kill me

 

**BabyBabyIce:** youve had ur time in the sun now keiths gonna fight you

 

**BabyBabyIce:** and the sun

 

**BabyBabyIce:** no one can escape his gay wrath

 

**pickybitch:** hell yeah ill fight the fuckin sun

 

**Gerblins:** now that i can get behind

 

**BabyBabyIce:** whos down to meet up and watch keith fight the sun

 

**Stay Puft:** ill bring popcorn

 

**pickybitch:** get here quick then cuz i aint waiting for u to show up were doing this NOW

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** wow hes horny for this one

 

**BabyBabyIce:** MATT WTF

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** im sorry about my emo horny son

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** hes so emo and hes so horny

 

**pickybitch:** SHIRO WTF

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** am i wrong?

 

**Gerblins:** wow shiro is pulling some power moves today

 

**Stay Puft:** absolute legend shiro

 

**BabyBabyIce:** real quick cuz i dont want to interrupt this

 

**BabyBabyIce:** whos coming to my halloween party?

 

**Stay Puft:** Excuse Me?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** whos coming to OUR halloween party?

 

**Stay Puft:** and thank you

 

**Gerblins:** isnt that not for like another month?

 

**Stay Puft:**  yeah but we need to know how much stuff to get for the party so were trying to nail it down now

 

**BabyBabyIce:** gotta make sure everyone has an equal opportunity to get smashed yknow?

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** oh no

 

**BabyBabyIce:** relax gramps hunk and i got this

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** none of you can see this but shiro is just staring at his phone and grinding his teeth at lance calling him gramps

 

**pickybitch:** i love it

 

**pickybitch:** wait i thought you guys were doing a dnd party for halloween

 

**Gerblins:** were still doing that right? Cuz i cant really come to a “get smashed” college party but you guys promised we’d hang out

 

**Stay Puft:** yeah were still doing that!

 

**Stay Puft:** were going over to corans place in the day to play his secret halloween themed campaign and then lance and i are hosting another party that night

 

**pickybitch:** nerds

 

**BabyBabyIce:** keith just bc youll never know the pure joy of dnd doesnt mean you have to ruin it for everyone

 

**pickybitch:** how are you even throwing a party you live in dorms

 

**BabyBabyIce:** matt said we could host it at his place!

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** what???

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** oh yeah did i not mention that?

 

**Gerblins:** rip matt shiros gonna kill you

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** hell have to catch me first

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** he locked himself in the bathroom

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** pidge can you tell your brother his days are numbered?

 

**Gerblins:** trust me, he knows

 

**pickybitch:** wow you guys are the paragons of maturity

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** dont worry keith, someday youll be as cool as us

 

**pickybitch:** says the adult man hiding in a bathroom from his roommate

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** I’ll be there Lance! It sounds fun, and I know you two will do a great job.

 

**Stay Puft:** thanks allura

 

**Stay Puft:** do you think you could come early to help with decorating?

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Certainly! You don’t even have to ask.

 

**Stay Puft:** yeah but lance wanted me to come up with a cover to invite you over so you can help with his makeup

 

**BabyBabyIce:** HUNK

 

**Stay Puft:** yeah?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** FAKE FRIENDS

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** I’d be happy to, Lance. I assume this will be on both of our instas?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** do you even have to ask?

 

**pickybitch:** gross

 

**BabyBabyIce:** oh right keith hates all social media and people

 

**Stay Puft:** romelles coming btw

 

**Stay Puft:** i have a lit class with her so i invited her today!

 

**BabyBabyIce:** awwwww hunk

 

**BabyBabyIce:** u the real MVP

 

**Stay Puft:** shes awesome, btw? Like allura if you dont date her i might because she amazing?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** cmon hunk are we really doing a repeat of shay

 

**pickybitch:** whos shay

 

**Stay Puft:** shes also coming and i dont know what your talking about lance i think that turned out pretty well for everyone

 

**Gerblins:** she was alluras first gay crush but hunk asked her out first and even though it didnt work out cuz she lives so far away theyre all still friends who meet up for brunch every month

 

**Stay Puft:** oh man i bet romelle would love brunch

 

**Stay Puft:** we should totally invite her

 

**Stay Puft:** allura?

 

**Stay Puft:** she doesnt have to come i mean if you dont want her there

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** NO

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** That is

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Hunk thank you for inviting her. I was just a bit flustered, so it took me a little bit to respond! I’m very excited to see her outside of class!

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Though, now I will be coming early so Lance can help me with my makeup as well.

 

**BabyBabyIce:** HELL YEAH NOW ITS A FUCKIN PARTY

 

**Gerblins:** someone has to tell me how this goes oh my god

 

**pickybitch:** why dont you just go

 

**Gerblins:** fuck no i dont wanna dodge a bunch of drunk college kids legs all night

 

**Gerblins:** i just wanna know the Drama

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** yeah no pidge is not getting anywhere near this party

 

**Gerblins:** BITCH SAYS WHO

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** YOU LITERALLY JUST DID

 

**Stay Puft:** no worries pidge! ill snap and send you text updates the whole time i promise

 

**Gerblins:** acceptable

 

**BabyBabyIce:** okay but literally no one said if there coming or not???/????

 

**BabyBabyIce:** only allura did??

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** i apparently dont get a choice in the matter so

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** nope sorry

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** yeah thanks for that

 

**pickybitch:** who else is gonna be there

 

**Stay Puft:** just a few other kids from our classes

 

**Stay Puft:** kinkade, nadia, plaxum, antok, florona, james, probably those new girls

 

**pickybitch:** oh god that guy is gonna be there?

 

**Stay Puft:** its the year of building bridges, man, cmon

 

**pickybitch:** ill be there

 

**pickybitch:** just like

 

**pickybitch:** keep him away from me

 

**BabyBabyIce:** OWAH

 

**pickybitch:** ?

 

**Stay Puft:** he misspelled whoa

 

**Stay Puft:** keith thats awesome! Cant wait to have you man!

 

**BabyBabyIce:** aw yeah this party is gonna be lit

 

**pickybitch:** i thought you said lit was dead

 

**BabyBabyIce:** life and death are but two sides of the same coin, neither as different nor as separate as we believe them to be

 

**Gerblins:** lance wtf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact (and by fun I mean absolutely terrible): George Washington's dentures were made with teeth pulled from slaves
> 
> Which was apparently not uncommon
> 
> In case you weren't hating anything today


	8. R O U G H

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SheriffGrandpa / PapaGay - Shiro  
> BabyBabyIce - Lance  
> Seven Dick Princess - Allura  
> StayPuft - Hunk  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> pickybitch / Baby Gay - Keith  
> NewSheryiffinTown - Matt

**SheriffGrandpa:** oh god my life is on fire

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** call my name and save me from myself

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** shiro???

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** ur quoting evanescence what happened?

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Shiro, are you alright?

 

 **Stay Puft:** Hey man the fact that you’re not answering is really concerning

 

 **Stay Puft:** dude you doin ok?

 

 **Gerblins:** has anyone tried talking to keith?

 

 **pickybitch:** he hasnt said anything to me

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** im sure hes got a good reason

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** shiro wouldnt want us to worry too much

 

 **Stay Puft:** im still pretty worried

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** hell be back any second i know it

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** sorry guys

 

 **Gerblins:** SHIRO

 

 **Stay Puft:** dude good to hear from you! Its been like 4 hrs is everything alright?

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** im sorry, i didn’t mean to worry anyone. I was panicking when i sent those messages, but i promise im fine

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** no worries man! were just glad to hear from you  <3

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** is everything alright?

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Do you mind telling us what happened, Shiro? Not to pry, but I know it would be reassuring to know what caused such a reaction in you.

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** its no problem just a little personal

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** you dont have to tell us anything you dont want to

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** no its fine

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** i just saw my ex

 

 **NewSheryiffinTown:** Adam?

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** yeah

 

 **Stay Puft:** woah

 

 **Gerblins:** i thought he didnt go here anymore

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** he doesnt

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** he didnt want to do the graduate program, but he just got offered a job in the research department

 

 **Gerblins:** woah

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** shiro are you alright? theres no way that was easy

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** yeah I was not expecting that

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** I just saw him coming out of a meeting so i texted you guys

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** then he saw me and we stared at each other for like a full minute before saying anything

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** he says he doesn’t want things to be weird between us? i’m not sure what that means

 

 **Stay Puft:** man thats rough buddy

 

 **NewSheryiffinTown:** are you guys gonna be working in the same building? cause that could get weird pretty quickly

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** i dont know

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** i didnt ask

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** im going to go sit for a bit. I dont really think im up to talking about this right now

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** yeah of course dude take all the time you need

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** All of us will be here if you need someone to talk to  <3

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Please take care of yourself, and let us know if there’s anything we can do to help!

 

 **Stay Puft:** yeah ditto i just made some cookies too if youre feeling the need for any sugar therapy

 

 **NewSheryiffinTown:** im right at home if you need hugs or to get your ass beat at video games

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** thanks guys

 

 **SheriffGrandpa:** i appreciate it

 

 **Gerblins:** damn now i feel bad

 

 **Stay Puft:** why? you didnt do anything pidge

 

 **Gerblins:** i may have just posted a less than flattering pic of shiro on the university fb page

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** PIDGE

 

 **Gerblins:** how was i supposed to know real-world-stuff was gonna happen today???

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** TAKE IT DOWN

 

 **Gerblins:** yeah np totally taking it down right now

 

 **Stay Puft:** …

 

 **Stay Puft:** its been up there for a couple hours now hasnt it

 

 **Gerblins:** yeah i posted it this morning

 

 **NewSheryiffinTown:** how has shiro not seen this yet? Its all over the class pages

 

 **pickybitch:** hes really bad at social media

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** and thats KEITH saying that so

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** damn boi

 

 **pickybitch:** basically he wont see it unless you send it to him and even then its like a 50/50 chance

 

 **Gerblins:** well that explains that

 

 **Stay Puft:** should we tell him? Hes kind of a meme right now

 

 **NewSheryiffinTown:** i dont think this is something he has to deal with right away

 

 **Gerblins:** it might be something hell have to deal with sooner rather than later

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** What do you mean, Pidge?

 

 **Gerblins:** Adam liked all the pictures

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** SHIT

 

 **Stay Puft:** oh boy

 

 **Stay Puft:** thats not great

 

 **pickybitch** : i dont get it what does that mean

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** If Shiro’s ex-boyfriend is currently liking pictures of Shiro, it implies that he still has feelings for him, or possibly is interested in getting back together. Perhaps he is attempting to signal something? Regardless, it means he is not “over” the relationship.

 

 **pickybitch:** neither is shiro really

 

 **pickybitch:** and adams not his exboyfriend

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I thought Shiro referred to him as his “ex”?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** right, but not ex-boyfriend

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** hes shiros ex-fiance

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Oh.

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Dear.

 

 **Stay Puft:** yeah

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** So they were engaged?

 

 **Gerblins:** yup

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Why did they break-up?

 

 **Gerblins** : most of us never met him, except matt and keith, but we know the story

 

 **Gerblins:** theyve always been a little vague but it seems like adam was really ready to settle down and start a family and shiro wanted to focus more on his career

 

 **Gerblins:** adam got tired of waiting around

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** its definitely not sommething we talk about a lot

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I suppose I can see why.

 

 **Seven Dicks Princess:** That’s really very sad.

 

 **pickybitch:** it wasnt great

 

 **Stay Puft:** yall know shiros gonna be able to see this whole conversation right?

 

 **Stay Puft:** its a little weird talking about his relationship like this in the groupchat

 

 **NewSheryiffinTown:** nah he never scrolls up that far to see what he missed

 

 **NewSheryiffinTown:** he probably wont see this unless someone tells him about it

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** besides id rather talk out in the open  here than start sneaking around to talk about shiro where he wont see it

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** i think that would feel a lot worse

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I agree with Lance, I’d rather Shiro be able to know what we are saying if he wishes to. At the very least, it will keep us restrained.

 

 **Stay Puft:** has he never said anything about this to you? I thought you guys were hooking up

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** We are.

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** That is, we have been, but we agreed we wanted to continue only as friends.

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** He has mentioned a previous relationship, a committed one, but never added any details, so I assumed it wasn’t something he was ready to share with me.

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** not until gay panic ended up forcing him too

 

 **Stay Puft:** yeah basically

 

 **NewSheryiffinTown:** I’m still just glad nothing’s actually on fire

  
  
  
  


 

 **Baby Gay:** hey

 **Baby Gay:** are you okay

 **PapaGay:** yeah im okay keith

 **Baby Gay:** just checking

 **Baby Gay:** i know it cant be easy to have someone walk back into your life like that

 **PapaGay:** thats pretty much how it feels

 **PapaGay:** only

 **Baby Gay:** only?

 **PapaGay:** part of me feels like he never left, like i always knew he was coming back

 **PapaGay:** i think about him every day and now hes here

 **PapaGay:** in person, in real life, just right there

 **PapaGay:** im rambling

 **Baby Gay:** its okay

 **Baby Gay:** im glad youre telling me this stuff

 **PapaGay:** its not too weird for you?

 **Baby Gay:** not any weirder than if we didnt talk about it at all

 **Baby Gay:** that would definitely be worse i think

 **PapaGay:** thanks

 **PapaGay:** for checking on me

 **Baby Gay:** what can i say? thats my job

 **Baby Gay:** i guess im just a really awesome little brother

 **PapaGay:** i have some scribbles on my walls that disagree

 **Baby Gay:** are you ever letting that go?

 **Baby Gay:** i was 13

 **PapaGay:** ill let it go when the crayon and white-out stains come out

 **Baby Gay:** yeah im pretty sure those are there forever

 **PapaGay:** then no im not letting it go

 **PapaGay:** 13 is way too old to be playing with that stuff anyway

 **Baby Gay:** says you

 **Baby Gay:** my 13 year old self was having the time of his life

 **Baby Gay:** i still havent had a better night

 **PapaGay:** thats sad keith

 **PapaGay:** really sad

 **Baby Gay:** your just jealous

 **PapaGay:** you’re in college, you’re supposed to be having wild nights and epic romances

 **Baby Gay:** first of all im not even in college

 **Baby Gay:** second of all that sounds about as likely as me flying a giant robot in space

 **PapaGay:** dont say that! Its never too late to get started on college adventures

 **PapaGay:** not being in college just makes them young-person adventures

 **Baby Gay:** “young person adventures” what are you like 50?

 **PapaGay:** i am going prematurely gray

 **Baby Gay:** ...

 **Baby Gay:** you what

 **PapaGay:** thats what happens when you work too hard and dont have enough fun

 **Baby Gay:** how did this turn into you dadding me

 **Baby Gay:** im supposed to be supporting you right now tf

 **PapaGay:** i guess im just that good

 **PapaGay:** a parenting extraordinaire

 **PapaGay:** the ultimate older brother

 **Baby Gay:** hey ultimate older brother did you know ur a meme

 **PapaGay:** ?

**Baby Gay sent a link**

**PapaGay:** i

 **PapaGay:** i thought pidge deleted that picture

 **Baby Gay:** you should know by now that pidge never deletes anything

 **Baby Gay:** is this the kind of young-person adventure i should be having

 **PapaGay:** God No

 **PapaGay:** do as i say not as i do

 **Baby Gay:** the classic good parent mantra only used by good parents

 **PapaGay:** thats a sibling mantra right there thats right in my wheelhouse

 **Baby Gay:** fair enough

 **Baby Gay:** did everything work out with your insurance

 **PapaGay:** as much as its going to

 **Baby Gay:** what does that mean

 **PapaGay:** you know how it is

 **PapaGay:** i want to live like a human being, they want my money, i dont have any money

 **PapaGay:** the uszhe

 **Baby Gay:** the what

 **Baby Gay:** did you just have a stroke

 **PapaGay:** the uszhe!

 **PapaGay:** yknow like ‘the usual’?

 **Baby Gay:** that is definitely not how you spell that

 **PapaGay:** then how is it spelled keith? Enlighten me

 **Baby Gay:** shit

 **Baby Gay:** i dont know

 **PapaGay:** EXACTLY

 **Baby Gay:** WELL DONT FUCKGIN USE IT THEN

 **PapaGay:** i will use whatever internet lingo i want to use

 **Baby Gay:** internet lingo smh

 **Baby Gay:** you really are just roleplaying a grandparent at all times arent you

 **PapaGay:** thats insulting

 **Baby Gay:** stop derailing and just tell me if the thing with your insurance worked out!!!

 **PapaGay:** i worked it out okay? I got my meds and and im going back to PT next week

 **Baby Gay:** ok good

 **Baby Gay:** thats all i wanted damn

 **PapaGay:** youre feeling pushy today

 **Baby Gay:** im literally just worried about you a lot

 **PapaGay:** i know

 **PapaGay:** i wish you wouldnt worry

 **Baby Gay:** i know

 **PapaGay:** its not your job

 **Baby Gay:** i know

 **Baby Gay:** but can you just

 **Baby Gay:** let that be my job for a while?

 **Baby Gay:** its not like i have a lot of other stuff going on

 **PapaGay:** only if you promise to save some worry for yourself too

 **PapaGay:** i dont want to cause a repeat of the high school shower incident

 **Baby Gay:** …

 **Baby Gay:** fair enough

 **PapaGay:** good

 **PapaGay:** and go to that halloween party ok? I want you to have some fun in your life

 **Baby Gay:** im already planning on going what more do you want

 **PapaGay:** yeah i know but i dont want you bailing at the last minute because you stayed up all night reading mothman articles

 **Baby Gay:** im not into mothman anymore

 **PapaGay:** well thank fuck

 **Baby Gay:** im way more into the bear lake monster now

 **PapaGay:** thats not different

 **Baby Gay:** theyre completely different???? what  are you talking about

 **PapaGay:** my point still stands

 **Baby Gay:** i wont bail out on the lameass halloween party i promise

 **PapaGay:** thats all i needed to hear

 **Baby Gay:** hey can you

 **PapaGay:** yeah?

 **Baby Gay:** will you keep me updated on

 **Baby Gay:** on everything with adam?

 **PapaGay:** oh

 **Baby Gay:** like would you mind? feel free to say no i just want to know whats going with you two

 **PapaGay:** yeah of course

 **Baby Gay:** really?

 **PapaGay:** yeah i promise

 **Baby Gay:** thanks shiro

 **Baby Gay:** sorry if thats weird

 **PapaGay:** dont worry about it

 **PapaGay:** it was good to see him

 **Baby Gay:** really? I thought it would hurt

 **PapaGay:** oh it hurt

 **PapaGay:** it really fuckking hurt

 **PapaGay:** but it was good to see him

 **Baby Gay:** yeah?

 **PapaGay:** yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna go with the beast of bray road but the bear lake monster sounded more keith
> 
> dont worry, the next chapter will be funnier
> 
> (the shower incident is an incident where keith passed out in the shower during his high schools midterms week cuz he hadnt been sleeping)
> 
> also damn shiro i know how that feels


	9. snitches get stitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BabyBabyIce / Memelord - Lance  
> StayPuft Fren / Cinnamonroll - Hunk  
> Seven Dick Princess - Allura  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> SheriffGrandpa - Shiro  
> pickybitch - Keith  
> NewSheryiffinTown - Matt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for discussion of unhealthy eating habits, marijuana use, and weight loss
> 
> Almost every character is bad at taking care of themselves and that's honestly canon

**BabyBabyIce:** theres a woodchuck and a tiny cat outside my windows right now and they’re adorable

 

**BabyBabyIce:** they both look so soft i am LIVING

 

**StayPuft Fren:** awwwwww

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** That’s so sweet, Lance!

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** I just saw a big fluffy groundhog on my way to class.

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** I think it was a groundhog.

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** I’m not really sure.

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** But it was very cute!

 

**BabyBabyIce:** same actually im pretty sure that woodchuck couldve been a groundhog

 

**BabyBabyIce:** im not sure what the difference is??

 

**BabyBabyIce:** either way i love them theyre so flat and fluffy

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** very thicc bois

 

**BabyBabyIce:** raise a glass to all the thicc bois

 

**StayPuft Fren:** :D

 

**Gerblins:** nice

 

**Gerblins:** finally some good fucking food

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** lets all take a second to appreciate our very own thicc boi

 

**pickybitch:** thank you its an honor

 

**BabyBabyIce:** not you keith

 

**pickybitch:** rude

 

**BabyBabyIce:** its hunk appreciation day today

 

**Gerblins:** and everyday

 

**BabyBabyIce:** now and always

 

**StayPuft Fren:** you guys are awesome thank you

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** We love you Hunk!

 

**StayPuft Fren:** AWWW ALLURA

 

**StayPuft Fren:** <3333333333

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** :D

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

 

**BabyBabyIce:** HUNK LOVE FOREVER  <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3333333333

 

**Gerblins:** its about damn time

 

**StayPuft Fren:** thanks pidge

 

**Gerblins:** where would team punk be without its better half?

 

**StayPuft Fren:** i dont know i cant imagine it without you

 

**Gerblins:** o.o

 

**Gerblins:** boi cut it out before u make me cry

 

**BabyBabyIce:** operation make pidge cry intiated

 

**pickybitch:** good it was getting too chummy in here

 

**BabyBabyIce:** keith just cuz you dont know how love feels doesnt mean were not allowed to share it

 

**pickybitch:** My Heart Is Black Like My Coffee

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** says the kid who only drinks lattes?

 

**pickybitch:** goddammit shiro

 

**pickybitch:** every time? do u have to do this every time?

 

**SheriffGrandpa:** yup its in the big brother code

 

_pickybitch_ changed the nickname of _SheriffGrandpa_ to _silversnitch_

 

**silversnitch:** what? Why?

 

**pickybitch:** bc there is not a person in this chat you havent snitched on and youre not worth as much as gold

 

**silversnitch:** words can hurt babybro

 

**BabyBabyIce:** LMAO KEITH DRINKS LATTES

 

**BabyBabyIce:** wait arent u lactose intolerant?????

 

**pickybitch:** love hurts

 

**StayPuft Fren:** what are you laughing at lance the only thing you order is frappucinos and you always drink them super fast and get brainfreeze

 

**StayPuft Fren:** also damn keith ur right about shiro

 

**BabyBabyIce:** yeah but i dont pretend to be better than that i know who i am

 

**BabyBabyIce:** if im goilng to sell out im gonna enjoy myself while doing it

 

**pickybitch:** im pretty sure thats why people sell out in the first place

 

**BabyBabyIce:** i cant believe i was abt to compliment ur chat naming skills

 

**pickybitch:** somehow i think ill live

 

**BabyBabyIce:** are we playing dnd today or what?

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** I’m heading over in just a second! I need to eat some dinner first.

 

**Gerblins:** allura?? Taking care of herself and tending to her needs? Not burning herself out until she physically collapses? What world is this?

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Very funny.

 

**StayPuft Fren:** are we sure this is really allura? maybe someone stole her phone

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** You know I can kick both your asses right?

 

**Gerblins:** you wouldnt hit a child with glasses would you?

 

**StayPuft Fren:** what happened to the love princess???

 

**Gerblins:** she used to be so sweet

 

**StayPuft Fren:** i blame that social media stuff

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Seems I’m full of rage.

 

**silversnitch:** okay guys cant we just be proud of allura for actively taking care of herself? shouldnt we be taking this opportunity to encourage our friend to engage in self care instead of teasing her for it?

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Thank you, Shiro.

 

**StayPuft Fren:** okay dad

 

**Gerblins:** buzzkill

 

**pickybitch:** everyone knows shiro is the model of self care

 

**silversnitch:** what does that mean?

 

**pickybitch:** when was the last time you ate

 

**silversnitch:** i ate this morning im fine

 

**pickybitch:** and what did you have

 

**silversnitch:** it doesnt really matter

 

**pickybitch:** i rest my case

 

**silversnitch:** i had a full breakfast so i dont know what youre talking about

 

**pickybitch:**  a protein bar and iced coffee does not count as breakfast

 

**BabyBabyIce:** shiro its like 6pm did u really only eat this morning??

 

**StayPuft Fren:** im definitely bringing canapes to dnd so dont worry ill make enough for everyone and a few extra for shiro

 

**StayPuft Fren:** were not leaving until hes eaten all of them and promises to get a good night sleep

 

**silversnitch:** keith why did you do this

 

**pickybitch:** its in the little brother code

 

**silversnitch:** :|

 

**silversnitch:** and whens the last time you ate? are you meeting your own standards?

 

**pickybitch:** oh fuck no but who cares theres no one here to stop me

 

**pickybitch:** or make me i guess

 

**StayPuft Fren:** keith wtf

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** We’ll have to remedy this situation.

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Keith, prepare to be Cared For.

 

**pickybitch:** shit

 

**BabyBabyIce:** how bout we make 2018 the year of Caring For Each Other

 

**StayPuft Fren:** oh yeah collaborateen!

 

**StayPuft Fren:** stronger together, right?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** well now we’re all in charge of making each other stick to it!

 

**pickybitch:** isnt it pretty late in the year for that

 

**BabyBabyIce:** keith go eat something

 

**pickybitch:** no

 

**BabyBabyIce:** >:(

 

**pickybitch:** fine

 

**BabyBabyIce:** lmk when you guys are on your way over

 

**BabyBabyIce:** imma get high real quick though cuz i had a long fucking day

 

**StayPuft Fren:** work?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** yeah

 

**pickybitch:** ugh mood and jealous

 

**BabyBabyIce:** come visit more often so we can smoke u up then

 

**BabyBabyIce:** im jealous your tolerance must be rockbottom

 

**Gerblins:** keith you live on your own do you really not know how to find weed yourself?

 

**pickybitch:** im self taught i never had a guide

 

**pickybitch:** because SOMEONE had some ethical concerns

 

**silversnitch:** look as long as youre watching out for yourself im not going to get in the way but im definitely not going to help my little brother find weed

 

**pickybitch:** cuz you were always the model of restraint?

 

**silversnitch:** that was undergrad we already covered that you shouldnt be like me

 

**BabyBabyIce:** i cant believe shiro used to be a stoner my world is forever changed

 

**BabyBabyIce:** also keith i gotchu babe anytime u need bud

 

**StayPuft Fren:** come visit so we can chill and Mom Friend you

 

**pickybitch:** someone needs to mom me im dying

 

**pickybitch:** all i drink is coffee

 

**pickybitch:** i vape now

 

**Gerblins:** oh dear lord

 

**Gerblins:** its worse than we thought

 

**silversnitch:** im not sure those lattes count as coffee

 

**pickybitch:** shiro shut the fuck up

 

**pickybitch:** help me

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** I and the 4 cups of coffee I’ve had today are concerned.

 

**BabyBabyIce:** okay But

 

**BabyBabyIce:** vaping is pretty damn convenient

 

**BabyBabyIce:** if i could afford one of those pens id get one

 

**Gerblins:** every day we stray further from the light

 

**BabyBabyIce:** theyr hella expensive tho

 

**pickybitch:** me and my 7 cups of coffee ive had today are adasgnrfdsAAWESRGNDHFGDFSD

 

**BabyBabyIce:** keith is finally embracing gay culture

 

**pickybitch:** will everyone pls Get Off My Dick?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** YOU WISH

 

**Gerblins:** lmao

 

**StayPuft Fren:** do you want us to help you or leave you alone make up your mind

 

**BabyBabyIce:** WAIT

 

**BabyBabyIce:** THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY

 

**Gerblins:** sure lance

 

**silversnitch:**  keith why would you write that

 

**pickybitch:** it worked didnt it?

 

**StayPuft Fren:** can we be done talking about keiths dick?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** P L E A S E

 

**pickybitch:** never

 

**Gerblins:** Anyway

 

**Gerblins:** i had no coffee today bc it was too hot :’(

 

**StayPuft Fren:** I c e d

 

**Gerblins:** G r o s s

 

**Gerblins:** my coffee doesnt need water in it

 

**StayPuft Fren:** good point

 

**StayPuft Fren:** it was terrible

 

**Gerblins:** they always put too much ice in and also its too expensive

 

**StayPuft Fren:** but cold

 

**Gerblins:** i can get a cold caffeinated energy drink or a soda same difference

 

**Gerblins:** but not as gross

 

**StayPuft Fren:** excuse me those energy drinks are nasty

 

**BabyBabyIce** : thoughts on coffee soda?

 

**pickybitch:** oh i fuck with coffee soda

 

**BabyBabyIce:** also pidge u know u can ask for less ice right?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** or just get a frap those are the only coffee ill buy tbh its like drinking a milkshake

 

**StayPuft Fren:** mmmmmmm coffee milkshake

 

**StayPuft Fren:** 10/10

 

**BabyBabyIce:** also hot take but i wish icould afford a vape pen bc as much as i love making fun of vaping and oh boy do i ever

 

**BabyBabyIce:** its still like fun? n convenient n smells nice

 

**StayPuft Fren:** you do get to live in a cloud of cotton candy

 

**StayPuft Fren:** at the expense of your dignity though

 

**BabyBabyIce:** bold of you to assume i have dignity

 

**pickybitch:** finally someone said it

 

**silversnitch:** iced coffee is the best coffee though

 

**BabyBabyIce:** frapfrapfrapfrapfrapfrapfrapfrap

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Cold coffee with one (1) single ice cube.

 

**BabyBabyIce:** coffee milkshakes/slushees

 

**StayPuft Fren:** iced americano with soy

 

**StayPuft Fren:** im a brista now

 

**BabyBabyIce:** also known as the heavenly delight the frappuccino

 

**pickybitch:** freeze coffee, produce cronch

 

**StayPuft Fren:** or just iced black coffee

 

**StayPuft Fren:** iced coffee cubes

 

**BabyBabyIce:** hell yeah get that CRONCH

 

**pickybitch:** i got dinner im better now

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Me too. I’m on my way over.

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** But frappuccinos have so much sugar in them, they’re not necessarily healthy.

 

**silversnitch:** thats a good point

 

**BabyBabyIce:** who the hell is drinking coffee to be healthy?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** i guess if youre tryna lose weight but cmon, everyone deserves a treat

 

**pickybitch:** why would any of us be trying to lose weight we just covered that none of us eat

 

**BabyBabyIce:** i lost like 20 pounds in one summer a few years ago and ive gained it all back since, it sucks

 

**StayPuft Fren:** lance everyone here loves and respects you no matter what you weigh

 

**StayPuft Fren:** also you’re a fucking stick boi so shut up

 

**pickybitch:**  there are about a hundred different theoretical ways to lose weight and i believe in absolutely none of them

 

**silversnitch:** how i lost 32 lbs in one week by chopping off my arm

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Finally, a method that works.

 

**pickybitch:** why would your arm weigh 32 lbs

 

**BabyBabyIce:** have you seen those arms? I believe it

 

**StayPuft Fren:** lance can you keep ur thirst to yourself

 

**Gerblins:** everyone just do what i do and realize at like 8pm that goddamn it you forgot to eat today shit not again

 

**Gerblins:** im an adult

 

**pickybitch:** you are Not

 

**Gerblins:** tru

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** do what i do and just be allergic to every food

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** so you never eat!

 

**pickybitch:** wait fuck has matt been here the entire time

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** did you guys forget that I’m in this chat?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** yeah actually

 

**BabyBabyIce:** and im already allergic to tree nuts so hey im getting there

 

**Gerblins:** this is making me sad

 

**pickybitch:** im lactose intolerant

 

**Gerblins:** we know keith

 

**BabyBabyIce:** a fate i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy but he already has it so whatever

 

**pickybitch:** okay fuck you too i guess

 

**Gerblins:** i always thought you were like this because youre hangry but i guess youre just always like this

 

**BabyBabyIce:**  someone else sees it??? finally??????

 

**StayPuft Fren:** maybe hes always hangry

 

**silversnitch:** having lived with him yeah i do think thats it

 

**Gerblins:** are you guys actually coming? Hunk and i have been waiting at Corans house for like 20 minutes

 

**BabyBabyIce:** yeah yeah im on my way

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** I’m almost there Pidge! I’m just outside.

 

**StayPuft Fren:** oh good if no one showed up i was going to cry

 

**BabyBabyIce:** he already cried didnt he

 

**Gerblins:** yup

 

**BabyBabyIce:** fuckin wrekt

 

**StayPuft Fren:** i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now?

 

**silversnitch:** oh i know that one!

 

**silversnitch:** i got that reference

 

**Gerblins:** congratulations to hunk and shiro for reviving hundred year old memes together

 

**StayPuft Fren:** pidge keep it up and i wont share my cookies with you

 

**Gerblins:** what kind are they

 

**StayPuft Fren:** peanut butter without any peanuts

 

**Gerblins:** oh fuck hunk im sorry i beg forgiveness

 

**StayPuft Fren:** forgiveness granted

 

**StayPuft Fren:** im feeling generous tonight

 

**BabyBabyIce:** hunk u really are the perfect man

 

**StayPuft Fren:** :)

 

 

 

  
  
  


**Cinnamonroll:** Lance?

**Memelord:** yeah?

**Cinnamonroll:** did you go out?

**Memelord:** yeah why?

**Cinnamonroll:** its after midnight dude

**Memelord:** idk i wasnt tired when we got back so

**Memelord:** im just going for a walk

**Cinnamonroll:** ok

**Cinnamonroll:** dont you have an early class tomorrow

**Memelord:** yeah dont worry ill be back soon

**Cinnamonroll:** you want me to stay up for you?

**Memelord:** nah its coool like i said ill be back soon

**Cinnamonroll:** i dont mind

**Memelord:** seriously dude ill be fine its just a walk

**Memelord:** i appreciate it tho 

**Cinnamonroll:** of course

**Memelord:** thanks for the concern

**Cinnamonroll:** worrying is what i do man dont mention it

**Memelord:** ur a good dude

**Cinnamonroll:** youll text me when you get back right? 

**Cinnamonroll:** just so i dont go crazy and everything lol

**Memelord:** yeah np

**Memelord:** night hunk

**Cinnamonroll:** goodnight bro

**Memelord:** <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The private chat btw lance and hunk takes place after they get home from corans and the big groupchat all takes place beforehand


	10. Tossing Jags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BabyBabyIce- Lance  
> Gerblins- Pidge  
> pickybitch / Baby Gay- Keith  
> StayPuft Fren- Hunk  
> silversnitch / PapaGay- Shiro  
> Seven Dick Princess- Allura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this chapters not too weird or serious. I really enjoyed writing it so it just kept getting longer and longer!
> 
> tw racism, sexism, sexual harrassment  
> ^There's nothing in depth and nothing happens in the chat, but they do talk a little about the brushes theyve had with creeps

**BabyBabyIce:** hey guys?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** my laptop is making weird crunchy noises what do i do

 

 **Gerblins:** describe the cronch

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** like how

 

 **Gerblins:** like how consistent is it, or frequent, or if its coming from a particular spot

 

 **Gerblins:** also is your laptop hot

 

 **BabyBabyIce** : uh its pretty much room temperature and not hot at all and the sound is really inconsistent like itll happen twice in a minute and then not for another 10 minutes

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** its coming from the back i think? Like where the keyboard and the screen meet?? Its a v crackly cronch

 

 **Gerblins:** what kind of laptop is it

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** lenovo

 

 **pickybitch:** isnt that those tiny ass laptops

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** its not tiny its fun sized

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** and what would be the point of a bigass laptop anyway??? theyre supposed to be portable keith u fool u fuckin coward

 

 **pickybitch:** chill fam i dont care about your tiny laptop

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** >:(

 

 **Gerblins:** it could be the hinges or speakers. looks like this is a pretty common problem, the wires are just a little tight or something

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** promis there are no spiders or bees or big creepbugs with lots of legs inside my computer?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** bc i really cannt deal w that rn

 

 **Gerblins:** thats pretty unlikely

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** okay

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** i am safe?

 

 **Gerblins:** yes lance, youre safe

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** THANK YOU PIDGE

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** its been freaking me out all morning i will sacrifice many tostadas to your altar and name my first born child after you

 

 **Gerblins:** thanks

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** pidge you the real mvp

 

 **Gerblins:** <3

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** <3

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** and theres definitely no big scary insects in there?? im not gonna get electrocuted either right? Cuzthat seems like exactly the kinda thing youd think is funny pidge and it definitely would not be funny okay????

 

 **Gerblins:** lance i swear unless you put some spiders in there yourself there is nothing hiding in the hinges of your computer

 

 **Gerblins:** this level of disrespect to my expertise

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** dude if youre still worried ill take a look at it after my lab today, okay?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** thanks hunk

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** <3

 

 **pickybitch:** so is lance always this high maintenance

 

 **Gerblins:** did you not know that already

 

 **pickybitch:** i guess i just keep forgetting and being surprised all over again

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** yall can eat my entire ass its not my fault i have anxiety

 

 **pickybitch:** fucking relatable

 

 **Gerblins:** bitches dont know bout my ANXIETY

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** im pretty sure lance bought me a shirt with that printed on it

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** IT WASNT SUPPOED TO BE RELATABLE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN INSULT

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** @keith not @hunk i love you hunk i have no insults for you

 

 **Gerblins:** what happened to naming your first born after me

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** im still going to its just also you can suck my ass

 

 **Gerblins:** No Thank You

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** fair

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** to this day i still find it funny when someone asks if i live with my mom and dad and i say i dont have a dad  and they clam up and forget what they were talking abt

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** the exact face of horror embarrassment and regret is so life-giving but i always feel bad for them so ive started to just say yeah

 

 **Gerblins:** is this something youre getting asked all the time?

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** not every day but it does happen a lot

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** especially when i was a kid

 

 **pickybitch:** i always get the same face but they also go really quiet and change the subject like ill forget what just happened or something

 

 **pickybitch:** one dude just stopped talking and walked away

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** really? why?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** screw feeling bad just say it how they react is their problem

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** esp if its funny cuz then you can put them on blast for life

 

 **pickybitch:** friendship at its finest

 

 **silversnitch:** i agree with lance, its not your fault someone is making a whole lot of assumptions

 

 **pickybitch:** i usually just stare them down until they say somethign its pretty fun actually

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** im starting a gofundme campaign to teach keith what fun is pls donate to this tragic gay boy

 

 **Gerblins:** RT

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Consider me your first benefactor! Keith needs better ways to fill his time than informing strangers that his father is deceased.

 

 **pickybitch:** nah im good

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** keith please were all v worried about you

 

 **pickybitch:** im just saying its not up to hunk or me or allura to comfort ppl who just made a weird assumption abt our live

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Oh I agree.

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I’m just concerned by you describing this type of interaction as “fun”.

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** but i gotta let them off the hook! at least in my case i really want to find a way to say ‘oh no dont worry my dads not dead i dont have one because i have two moms its totally not a sad thing like whatever youre thinking right now’

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** i never got why people would get weird about it when i was little

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Still, if someone wants to know more, then they should ask. It’s not your job to let them off the hook.

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** yeah i guess

 

 **pickybitch:** one guy i hooked up with a while back asked me “what would your dad think of you messing around with a guy like me?” and when i said “he’s dead so who knows” the last thing i was thinking of was reassuring him

 

 **pickybitch:** esp since the face he made was priceless and made me feel like a badass

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** 1- you are a badass

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** 2- major BDE

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** 3- WHO ASKS SOMETHING LIKE THAT WTF

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** esp after hooking up w you?? Like what was that dude thinkign

 

 **pickybitch:** he said it while we were hooking up not after

 

 **Gerblins:** ew weird

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** YO WTF

 

 **pickybitch:** its a very treasured memory

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** i know someone might be delirious after getting to hook up w the illustrious keith kogayne but thats a whole other level of not thinking

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** look if someones being weird im not going to let them off the hook, but if it was like some well-meaning doctor or teacher or somthing im not just gonna let them fuckin die

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Fair enough, Hunk.

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Men will say the strangest things to you when you’re in private and it honestly baffles the mind.

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** not even in private yall some guys will just pull that shit in public an everything

 

 **silversnitch:** oh no did you see that weird guy again? I told you to let me know

 

 **Gerblins:** what weird guy

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** its not a big deal just kinda creepy

 

 **silversnitch:** it was really really creepy

 

 **silversnitch:** lance was checking out a book in al when this guy came up and started asking him questions about what classes he has and what dorm hes in and actually started stroking his hand right there at the counter

 

 **StayPuft:** wtf

 

 **Gerblins:** YIKES

 

 **silversnitch:** i had to give him the Glare to get him to back away and lance ended up staying till the end of my shift so i could walk him out

 

 **pickybitch:** so by any chance do u know what this guy looks like and where he lives asking for a friend

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Lance that’s awful! When did this happen?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** it was like 3 days ago and i havent seen him since so its not really anything to worry about

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** it was just some weird dude nothing special some dudes are just creeps

 

 **Gerblins:** ugh men are trash

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Thank goodness Shiro was there.

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I’m sure we’d all like to know the answer to Keith’s questions.

 

 **silversnitch:** hey look if theres some dude bothering any of you, any time any place just let me know and ill be there

 

 **silversnitch:** ive got my Protective Dad Glare and years of combat training, and worst comes to worst ill take off my prosthesis and smack them with it

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** YAS SHIRO YOU ARE A GIFT

 

 **Gerblins:** we stan one (1) man

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Thank you Shiro, your offer is much appreciated.

 

 **pickybitch:** still waiting on those answers

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** allura can probably toss some jags on her own, but i bet backup would make her even scarier

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** :)

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** and im glad lance will finally be getting some protection he is such a smol boi

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** RUDE I COULD TOSS SOME JAGS IF I WANTED TOO

 

 **pickybitch:** are you joking

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** of course you can dude! Im just glad youll have someone watching ur back when you toss all those jags, is that cool?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** yeah i guess we cool

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** <3

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** love ya babe

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Speaking of... “tossing jags”

 

 **Gerblins:** the most promising start to any sentence

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** damn does allura have something to tell us

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I’ve been meaning to ask if anyone knows of openings at their work.

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** oh no what happened to the campus cafe?

 

 **pickybitch:** i assume it has something to do with how the sentence started

 

 **silversnitch:** are you looking part-time or full-time?

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Part-time.

 

 **pickybitch:** nothing where i am

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** i dont think allura wants to drive 3 hourrs to work n 3 hours back every shift ya walnut

 

 **pickybitch:** im just answering the question jfc lance

 

 **pickybitch:** what the hell kinda insult is walnut

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** UM the best insult bc im allergic to walnuts????

 

 **pickybitch:** jfc

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I’m not sure I’d be able to commute to that area anyway, but thank you for the thought, Keith.

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** ill ask my moms if theres anything at the restaurant

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** im pretty sure theres at least a hostess position open?

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** That would be perfect, Hunk, thank you!

 

 **Gerblins:** i think were all avoiding the important question

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** good point pidge

 

 **silversnitch:** what question?

 

 **Gerblins:** allura what the fuck happened at the cafe

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** There was an altercation, and I no longer work there. I need to find some other form of work.

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** that doesnt help us figure out what happened

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** :/

 

 **silversnitch:** allura doesnt have to tell us anything she doesnt want to

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** It’s fine, but thank you, Shiro. It’s not difficult to talk about, just extremely frustrating.

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** A group of men came into the cafe last night and said some very crude things to me. I challenged them on it, and they did not appreciate it. I was dismissed.

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** what??? Thats total bullshitt!!!!!

 

 **pickybitch:** that sucks what the hell

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** they fired you just for arguing with them? Thats terrible

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I agree, but, well, it wasn’t just arguing.

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I may have punched one or two of them.

 

 **Gerblins:** holy shit

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** holy shit what did they say??????

 

 **Gerblins:** we stan a queen

 

 **Gerblins:** wait is that why there were campus police there last night?

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** campus police wtf?

 

 **Gerblins:** yeah i thought it was just moose drama or something

 

 **pickybitch:** MOOSE drama?

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I believe it was. They were rather smashed when they came in.

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** its a party at the moose dorm keith

 

 **silversnitch:** allura thats so dangerous you couldve been hurt? and you lost your job? theres no way those guys are worth that!

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** It’s not like I don’t know that! It was a very long night and I was very tired!

 

 **silversnitch:** still thats really dangerous and you couldve been arrested!

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** These complete assholes came in at midnight, absolutely trashed, and when I asked how one of them wanted their coffee he looked right at me and said “How I like my women; hot, black, and preferably not conscious,” and then his horrible friends started laughing and I was tired, okay?

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I hit him and one of his friends and I was fired and it’s over, so I’d very much like to focus on finding a new job if you don’t mind.

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** he fucking deserved it holy shit

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** god that sucks allura im sorry

 

 **Gerblins:** i cant believe they fired you, you deserve a fucking medal for that

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Yes, well, it is what it is.

 

 **pickybitch:** what it is is bullshit

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Yes that’s what I meant.

 

 **silversnitch:** I’m sorry, Allura. That’s absolutely  terrible and im so sorry you had to deal with it.

 

 **silversnitch:** theyre always hiring where i am if youre interested

 

 **Gerblins:** shiro where do you even work i thought you were doing the whole graduate program

 

 **pickybitch:** his schedule is ridiculous hes got a full courseload and a job and an afterschool mentoring program and the whole ta thing

 

 **silversnitch:** its not a big deal i just like to keep busy

 

 **pickybitch:** plus that intense gym training thing

 

 **Gerblins:** god please tell me shiros not a crossfit

 

 **silversnitch:** fuck no crossfit is terrible for your body

 

 **silversnitch:** you might as well take a weedwhacker to your joints

 

 **Gerblins:** ill pass

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** damn shiro when do u sleep?

 

 **pickybitch:** he doesnt

 

 **silversnitch:** whenever i can and its really not as bad as keiths making it out to be

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** sure yeah so im definitely gonna nag you to get more sleep from now on

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** I’m sorry, I don’t think I know where you work, Shiro. I must have forgotten.

 

 **silversnitch:** no i was being kind of cagey about it because i wasnt sure how much i was allowed to say

 

 **silversnitch:** im a part time staff at a mental-health recovery center

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** that sounds kind of intense ngl

 

 **silversnitch:** not really its mostly a lot of driving people around and sitting through art and cooking classes

 

 **silversnitch:** a lot of talking to people and being friendly

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** thats not what i wouldve expected

 

 **silversnitch:** these places never are

 

 **silversnitch:** anyway theyre always hiring, its good work and experience and all it just doesnt pay very well

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** It sounds perfect, thank you. I’d love it if you could put in a good word for me?

 

 **silversnitch:** absolutely yeah! I think youre perfect for it

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** i can always put in a ref for you at build a bear if u need a backup? were always hiring too and i think youd be really good at it

 

 **pickybitch:** you work at build a bear?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** yeah im a bearbuilder

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** did you not know that?

 

 **pickybitch:** no? Since when?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** since like a year ago? Damn keith how bad are your people skills cuz like i knew they were bad bbut damn

 

 **pickybitch:** fuck off im just asking okay lance??? i didnt know fuck you

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** whoa chill dude its not a big deal? I was just joking

 

 **pickybitch:** yeah whatever

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** okay fine while mr. lone wolf broods in the corner my offer still stands allura

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** im close w the manager so i can totes explain the whole cafe situation to them theyll def be on your side

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Thank you, Lance. I would appreciate it. And the same to you Shiro, and Hunk. Thank you for the offers. It’s really quite a relief.

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** yeah no problem thats what friends are for

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** no worries babe were always here for you

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** It really was very upsetting.

 

 **silversnitch:** of course, dont worry about it

 

 **silversnitch:** well always be here for you, and were all just glad youre okay

 

 **Gerblins:** allura you will always be an icon and a hero to this whole group, wed basically do anything for you

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Thank you so much, all of you. I really do appreciate it  <3

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** hunk n i are doing another movie night if you wanna come by?

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** omg yeah you should totally come over! im making the choco-churro recipe i got from lances mom!

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** That sounds wonderful, are you sure?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** absolutely!!!! Were doing a coco and iron giant double feature, so be prepared to cry

 

 **Gerblins:** youre really going for waterworks huh?

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** YOU KNOW IT

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** if you aint crying at coco you aint human

 

 **Gerblins:** could i stop by too?

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** totally! the more the merrier!

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** Shiro u wanna make it a full set?

 

 **silversnitch:** I can’t tonight, but thanks hunk. Ill take you up on it some other time :)

 

 **StayPuft Fren:** no problem, man. Invite stands if your night frees up

 

 **silversnitch:** thanks, ill keep that in mind

 

 **Gerblins:** heading over now

 

 **Seven Dick Princess:** Me too! I’m on my way  <3

 

 **BabyBabyIce:** awesome! See u guys soon!

  
  
  
  


**PapaGay** : hey

 **PapaGay:** hows everything going?

 **Baby Gay:** fine, why

 **PapaGay:** well you kind of snapped at lance in the chat and then disappeared

 **Baby Gay:** im always snapping at lance

 **PapaGay:** no, youre always bickering with lance. This felt different.

 **Baby Gay:** whatever, its your opinion

 **PapaGay:** keith, seriously, what happened?

 **Baby Gay:** nothing happened everything isnt always a problem all the time, okay? Sometimes people are just like that its not always something you can just fix

 **PapaGay:** Keith, I can’t make you talk about something you don’t want to talk about. But I’m not going to sit and pretend like everything is fine, either.

 **PapaGay:** I’m here if you want to talk about it, always, but I’m not going to press it if you’re just going to snap at me.

 **Baby Gay:** i never said i wanted to talk about anything in the first place

 **Baby Gay:** if youre going to leave me alone then just do it

 **PapaGay:** I’m sorry to hear that, Keith. I’ll stop bothering you, but I hope you find someone to talk to about whatever it is that’s going on.

 **Baby Gay:** i like lance

 **PapaGay:** ?

 **PapaGay:** as in?

 **Baby Gay:** AS IN I HAVE A BIG STUPID GAY CRUSH ON LANCE JFC SHIRO WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

 **PapaGay:** Okay, Keith.

 **Baby Gay:** im sorry im sorry, im just really weirded out right now and i just keep getting angry and i dont really know why

 **Baby Gay:** im sorry im being a dick right now, its not you and im not even really mad i just

 **PapaGay:** its okay, keith, i understand

 **PapaGay:** this must be kind of overwhelming for you

 **Baby Gay:** yeah

 **Baby Gay:** like i knew i liked him and that i thought he was pretty and all that but like

 **Baby Gay:** i never realized i like “liked him” liked him

 **Baby Gay:** god that sounds so stupid and it doesnt make any sense

 **PapaGay:** no i think i get what you mean

 **PapaGay:** you knew you were attracted to lance, and that you liked him, but you didn’t realize just how much or how strong your feelings are until recently

 **Baby Gay:** thats exactly it!

 **Baby Gay:** i thought it was like a dumb puppy crush but its not and im freaking out

 **PapaGay:** its frustrating, i get it, and probably disorienting too, to realize that your feelings arent what you thought they were

 **PapaGay:** youre just having some trouble processing it

 **Baby Gay:** yes thank you its so weird and like

 **Baby Gay:** why lance? Hes so annoying and so cocky and his jokes are terrible and he pisses me off so much and hes obsessed with himself and like, me too? Im so mad at him for making me like him i dont get it

 **PapaGay:** anger is something youre used to. Its probably easier for you to process.

 **Baby Gay:** thanks shiro

 **Baby Gay:** seriously, for talking to me and not leaving even though i was being such a dick

 **PapaGay:** keith, youre my brother. Its my job to put up with you being a little shit

 **PapaGay:** and i knew you werent going to try to talk about it with anybody else so

 **Baby Gay:** how? Like how did you get what i was trying to say?

 **PapaGay:** i went through a similar thing with adam

 **BabyGay:** really?

 **PapaGay:** i mean less angry of course and more confused and maybe annoyed, but yeah

 **PapaGay:** he definitely went through the anger thing though

 **PapaGay:** one second we were best friends and the next hes smacking my sandwich out of my hand onto the floor and telling me to leave the school

 **Baby Gay:** wtf

 **PapaGay:** yep

 **Baby Gay:** and then you dated?

 **PapaGay:** yeah

 **Baby Gay:** okay you were definitely meant for each other

 **PapaGay:** gee thanks keith

 **Baby Gay:** no problem i mean if that got you to date him then you definitely deserve each other

 **PapaGay:** maybe ill stop trying to give you advice and help you out with your emotional problems and ill just let you figure it out on your own from now on how about that?

 **Baby Gay:** im just saying it must not have been a very good sandwich

 **PapaGay:** it was a meatball sub from sals

 **Baby Gay:** how is adam even still alive

 **PapaGay:** my bet is on the grace of good genes

 **Baby Gay:** so i should start convincing lance to eat more sandwiches

 **PapaGay:** please forget the sandwiches

 **Baby Gay:** ill do my best but i cant make any promises

 **PapaGay:** why dont you try actually talking to him first? One on one?

 **Baby Gay:** we have actually been talking more and its

 **Baby Gay:** kind of nice

 **PapaGay:** thats great keith! Im glad youre getting along better than you used to at least

 **Baby Gay:** i wonder if lance likes meatball subs

 **PapaGay:** i take it all back im done and youre on your own

 **Baby Gay:** maybe hes more of a philly cheesesteak type

 **PapaGay:** someone please help my son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CrossFit is legit so bad for you, it basically destroys your joints and leads to ppl developing arthritis at like 25
> 
> Also all the weird and/or gross stuff dudes said to the characters in this chapter is stuff I've witnessed or had said to me or a friend. Lifted straight from reality :/
> 
> In lighter news! Keith finally got it huh? I'm glad he has Shiro, an emotionally mature adult when it comes to anything but his own life, to help him get there. Now, I wonder what he'll do with this information?


	11. Goyim Be Like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BabyBabyIce / Paperairplanes - Lance  
> Seven Dick Princess - Allura  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> pickybitch / Hotlead - Keith  
> NewSheryiffinTown - Matt  
> StayPuft Fren - Hunk  
> silversnitch - Shiro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a shorter chapter than usual but hopefully that's alright!
> 
> Oh also I hc Pidge as Jewish, mostly bc I realized I can't think of a single Jewish character in any scifi property, but also bc I really wanted to include all the good Jewish memes in this fic. If you do know of any characters, please let me know!!!

**BabyBabyIce:** are you guys seeing the moon right now?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** it looks like a full moon its fucking LIT

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** It’s actually a waning gibbous, so very nearly full! It does look beautiful.

 

**BabyBabyIce:** allura the fact that u know that just confirms my theory that you are in fact the moon goddess in human form

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** ;)

 

**Gerblins:** god the last time i went out specifically to look at the moon was probably at the seder

 

**BabyBabyIce:** probably at the What

 

**Gerblins:** and the next full moon is yom kippur damn

 

**Gerblins:** the fucking seder at passover you heathen

 

**BabyBabyIce:** HEATHEN IN WHAT WORLD

 

**pickybitch:** what is a yom kipper

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** goyim be like...

 

**Gerblins:** classic goy

 

**StayPuft Fren:** have you guys never been to pidges family seder bc her mom makes the most amazing matzah ball soup

 

**StayPuft Fren:** it is Heavenly

 

**Gerblins:** than you hunk my mom loves you and how much you love her soup

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** hunk you are a shining light among the uneducated masses

 

**StayPuft Fren:** ur mom is a gift pidge and i would kill for that recipe

 

**BabyBabyIce:** oh okay so its a Jew Thing

 

**Gerblins:** very astute lance you figured out my jew riddle

 

**BabyBabyIce:** so its like a holiday?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** we sit around a table and talk abt the suffering of our ancestors and how slavery is bad and no human being is free until every human being is free and then we eat a ton of food

 

**BabyBabyIce:** sounds… fun

 

**Gerblins:**  its super boring until we get to eat

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** smh this new generation having no respect for our heritage 

 

**Gerblins:** last seder you drank elijahs cup so dont talk to me about disrespect

 

**BabyBabyIce:** btw everyone should still go check out the moon

 

**pickybitch:** on it

 

**BabyBabyIce:** <3 <3 <3 keith ur my hero

 

**pickybitch:** i know

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** there was no wine left what was i supposed to drink????

 

**silversnitch:** i offered to go out and buy more for you

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** IT WAS THE SABBATH

 

**BabyBabyIce:** shiro youv been to one of these things too?????

 

**silversnitch:** a, no it wasnt, b, im not jewish so it wouldnt matter if it was, and c, yes lance ive been going every year for the past 5 years since the first time matt invited me

 

**Gerblins:** shiros nominated for Shabbos Goy six years running

 

**Gerblins:** we dont even invite him anymore he just shows up like he Knows

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** maybe shiro is elijah

 

**silversnitch:** ive been discovered

 

**Gerblins:** oh man the prophet shirolijah is here to judge us for our sins

 

**Gerblins:** but still elijah is gonna have his revenge on you for leaving him stranded like that matt

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** he can say whatever he wants to my face if he ever actually shows up

 

**Gerblins:** he will have his revenge

 

**Gerblins:** hes plotting right now

 

**silversnitch:** no one can escape elijah

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** elijah cant escape ME BITCH

 

**Gerblins:** GASP

 

**Gerblins:** how the jew tables have been turned

 

**StayPuft Fren:** how the tables have been tabled

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** or is it these dancing jews

 

**BabyBabyIce:** im v confused

 

**BabyBabyIce:** who is elijah and why does he have a cup if he doesnt show up

 

**Gerblins:** next time our mom starts sending us passover memes im just gonna forward them all to lance

 

**StayPuft Fren:** omg do it

 

**BabyBabyIce:** DO NOT

 

**pickybitch:** lmao

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** absolutely we have to

 

**Gerblins:** consider it done

 

**BabyBabyIce:** I HATE YOU ALL

 

**Gerblins:** wow guys i guess lance hates jews

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** damn lance after all these years the truth finally comes out

 

**BabyBabyIce:** THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT

 

**BabyBabyIce:** YALL ARE DEMONS

 

**StayPuft Fren:** oof not a great way to defend yourself bud

 

**Gerblins:** classic example of an antisemitic dogwhistle how did we not see this sooner?

 

**silversnitch:** it comes as a great shock to all of us i dont know how well ever recover

 

**BabyBabyIce:** THIS IS BIPHOBIA AND RACISM AND HOW DARE ALL YALL

 

**pickybitch:** im glad were all making fun of lance it warms my cold gay heart

 

**BabyBabyIce:** KEITH I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL

 

**pickybitch:**  did you?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** WELL FUCK YOU TOO IM CANCELLING MOVIE NIGHT

 

**pickybitch:** :’(

 

**StayPuft Fren:** whoa whoahat movie night what

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Movie Night? That’s wonderful, when did you two start having a movie night?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** nahaah too late none of you fuckers are getting the scoop youll have to pry it from my cold dead gay hands

 

**Gerblins** : that can be arranged

 

**NewSheryiffinTown** : katie no

 

**BabyBabyIce:** KEEP AWAY GREMLIN

  
  
  
  


**Hotlead:** are you uh

**Paperairplanes:** ?

**Hotlead:** are you really cancelling movie night

**Paperairplanes:** nah man i was just saying that

**Paperairplanes:** u know how it is

**Hotlead:** sure

**Paperairplanes:** keith if ur still down then im still down

**Paperairplanes:** your still down right?

**Hotlead:** of course

**Paperairplanes:** sweet!!! im loading up wreck-it ralph now

**Paperairplanes:** get ready to cry :)

**Hotlead:** its not as bad as coco is it?

**Paperairplanes:** oh no way that ones like the #1 tearjerker film

**Paperairplanes:** its more like iron giant level

**Hotlead:** well fuck


	12. Leapin Lesbians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerblins / ParisBelongs2thePidgeon - Pidge  
> BabyBabyIce - Lance  
> Seven Dick Princess - Allura  
> NewSheryiffinTown - Matt  
> StayPuft Fren - Hunk  
> pickybitch - Keith  
> silversnitch - Shiro  
> witchinghour - Narti  
> boxsprings - Beezer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't have an explanation for this one

**Gerblins:** the dominos delivery guy just asked me if im a witch

 

**BabyBabyIce:** omg

 

**BabyBabyIce:** how did he know

 

**Seven Dick**   **Princess:** Maybe he is a witch?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** are you wearing witchy clothes??

 

**Gerblins:** no? im in my pajamas?

 

**StayPuft Fren:** say yes and show us what your pajamas look like

 

**pickybitch:** did matt just pull a ‘well what were you wearing’ on pidge

 

**BabyBabyIce:** ^the only acceptable circumstances to do so

 

**Gerblins:** i hate you guys

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** What would make someone ask that? Did he appear particularly religious?

 

**Gerblins:** oh shit i have my witch sign out

 

**BabyBabyIce:** at the risk of coining the worlds worst catchphrase

 

**BabyBabyIce:** your what?

 

**Gerblins:** the door sign matt got me that says the witch is in

 

**Gerblins:** which makes a lot more sense bc he actually asked ‘are you a good witch or a dark witch’ and i had no idea what he meant

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** Bold of him to assume you can’t be both.

 

**Gerblins:** true

 

**StayPuft Fren:** worlds worst catchphrase sounds like the podcast lance and i tried to make in high school

 

**BabyBabyIce:** oh god dont bring that up again hunk i need to sleep tonight

 

**Gerblins:** the fucking what?? where can i listen to this?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** in the shadowrealm with every other reminder of my existence in high school

 

**silversnitch:** that bad?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** the whole concept of high school can suck my ass btw the best moment of my life was graduation

 

**pickybitch:** and you say my life is sad

 

**BabyBabyIce:** fucking rude

 

**pickybitch:** we never addressed whether pidge is a witch or not

 

**BabyBabyIce:** dont change the subject

 

**Seven Dick Princess:** I didn’t realize there was any question.

 

**Gerblins:** is there? I thought you guys knew me well enough by now

 

**BabyBabyIce:** but are you a good witch or a dark witch

 

**Gerblins:** im a technowitch bitch

 

**BabyBabyIce:** wait are u a technowitch and calling me a bitch or are you a technowitch-bitch??

 

**Gerblins:** uh.....

 

**Gerblins:** both? 

 

**Gerblins:** yeah both works

 

**StayPuft Fren:** both? 

 

**BabyBabyIce:**  both

 

**StayPuft Fren:** both is good.

 

**BabyBabyIce:** stars

 

**BabyBabyIce:** cant do it

 

**StayPuft Fren:** not today

 

**pickybitch:** what the hell does any of this mean

 

**BabyBabyIce:** u really dont know? i really gotta show you el dorado

 

**silversnitch:** Well keith what does it mean to you?

 

**pickybitch:** …

 

**StayPuft Fren:** keith.exe has stopped working

 

**pickybitch:** lance is supposed to be the memetrash kid hunk not you

 

**Gerblins:** i take personal offense to that i am every bit as memetrash as lance

 

**pickybitch:** ...anyway

 

**Gerblins:** >:(

 

**pickybitch:** this is why you never have decorations it gives people the impression they can talk to you

 

**Gerblins:** thanks for the wise words 2005 evanescence

 

**pickybitch:**  the fucking audacity?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** don’t curse at my sister just because she’s right

 

**BabyBabyIce:** shes right but she shouldnt say it

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** shes right and she SHOULD say it

 

**BabyBabyIce:** 0 o 0

 

**BabyBabyIce:** Amy Lee actually remade bring me to life in 2017 btw without the male vocals and w some instrumental changes and im not saying its quality but im also not saying im not having flashbacks to middle school 

 

**pickybitch:** i told you it was worth listening to

 

**BabyBabyIce:** im not saying that im just saying its maybe not totally not worth listening to

 

**pickybitch:** tl;dr listen to it

 

**Gerblins:** im genuinely worried about both of you

 

**Gerblins:** hunk we need to do something to save our friends

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** well theyre not wrong either

 

**Gerblins:** and now theyve even taken my brother idk what im going to do

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** why are you Like This Child

 

**Gerblins:** matt ill save you i promise

 

**Gerblins:** btw nerd i need to know where you got the witch sign so i can get one for my friend

 

**BabyBabyIce:** pidge??? has a friend??? Since when?

 

**Gerblins** : shut ur face u nerd or i will eat all of your children

 

**BabyBabyIce:** shit so she is a witch

 

**Gerblins:** me or the friend cuz actually yeah for both

 

**BabyBabyIce:** and who r u calling nerd? u still play overwatch

 

**Gerblins:** and you main widowmaker dont come at me with that shit

 

**pickybitch:** widowmaker? Really?

 

**Gerblins:** you got something to say tracer main?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** FUCKING OF COURSE ITS TRACER

 

**pickybitch:** PIDGE WHY

 

**Gerblins:** CUZ I NEED ANSWERS AND YOU ARE CLOGGING THE CHAT W UNHELPFUL BANTER

 

**Gerblins:** matt give it up

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** Matt has a confession

 

**silversnitch:** if matt uses third person to refer to himself again he'll also have a concussion

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** :’( shiro why do u hate me

 

**silversnitch:** someone has to keep this chat in line

 

**BabyBabyIce:** the hero we need but not the one we deserve

 

**pickybitch:** definitely not the one you deserve

 

**BabyBabyIce:** YOU DICK

 

**pickybitch:** nice comeback

 

**Gerblins:** next message sent to this chat better be matts confession or all of you are banned

 

**BabyBabyIce:** pidge we know you wouldnt actually do that

 

**_BabyBabyIce has been banned from Kill People Burn Shit Fuck School_ **

 

**silversnitch:** wow we never changed the chat name did we?

 

**_silversnitch has been banned from Kill People Burn Shit Fuck School_ **

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** Even Shiro? Katie, where does it end?

 

**Gerblins:**  next words i see in this chat better be you telling me where you got the sign or so help me skeletonman

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** fine fine

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** i didnt buy the sign hunk did and he gave it to me to give to you because i forgot to buy you a birthday gift

 

**pickybitch:** fucking incredible

 

**Gerblins:** wow

 

**Gerblins:** hunk is that true?

 

**StayPuft Fren:** maybe?

 

**_BabyBabyIce has been added to Kill People Burn Shit Fuck School_ **

 

**_silversnitch has been added to Kill People Burn Shit Fuck School_ **

 

**_NewSheryiffinTown has been banned from Kill People Burn Shit Fuck School_ **

 

**silversnitch:** thats really harsh pidge

 

**Gerblins:** god you two are both trying to be the father i already have

 

**silversnitch:** :(

 

**pickybitch:** cant relate

 

**silversnitch:** :’(

 

**BabyBabyIce:** wow did we never change the chat name?

 

**Gerblins:** shiro just said that

 

**BabyBabyIce:** well excuse me if we both have good observational skills

 

**pickybitch:** as someone who has personally watched shiro open the fridge at midnight to look for food only to close it, walk three steps away and then turn around and open the fridge again like four times in a row, i can tell you that thats Untrue

 

**StayPuft Fren:** im pretty sure ive seen lance do that so hes at least right about their skills being the same

 

**BabyBabyIce:** lbr who hasnt done that

 

**Gerblins:** fair point but im still shook by the vague idea of lance turning into shiro someday

 

**BabyBabyIce:** does this mean i need to get a sideshave now? Cuz ill be honest that would be stupendous i would look cool as hell

 

**pickybitch:** keep telling yourself that

 

**BabyBabyIce:** you know youd love it

 

**BabyBabyIce:** besides i dont take criticism from someone whos never had a haircut in his life

 

**pickybitch:** what is your deal with my hair? youre the only one who cares

 

**BabyBabyIce:** im definitely not the only one u emo rapunzel bc shiro and i have talked abt cutting it in ur sleep

 

**pickybitch:** shiro that better not be fuckin true

 

**silversnitch:** well now whos a snitch

 

**Gerblins:** you reap what you sow

 

**pickybitch:** SHIRO

 

**silversnitch:** i cant hear you over the sound of how much shampoo you go through in a month

 

**pickybitch:** thanks for telling me lance

 

**BabyBabyIce:** thats what friends are for

 

**Gerblins:** finally the secret of true friendship is revealed

 

**Gerblins:** its snitching

 

**StayPuft Fren:** its been such a journey to get here

 

**BabyBabyIce:** maybe the real snitch was the friends we made along the way

 

**silversnitch:** can you ban me again? I can feel my brain rotting

 

**BabyBabyIce:** i changed my mind abt wanting to be shiro he is actually very mean

 

**pickybitch:** what do you expect from someone who mains d.va

 

**BabyBabyIce:** HEW WHAT

 

**silversnitch:**  DAMMIT

 

 

 

 

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:**  hey yall

**boxsprings:** sup

**witchinghour:**  What's up, B?  


**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** narti it was ur bday last week right

**witchinghour:** Yes.

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** do you want a sign that says 'the witch is in' only its reversible so u can flip it to either say in or out

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** and then u can hang it on ur door?

**witchinghour:** Why would I want that?

**witchinghour:** Pidge, I am blind. You know this.

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** um because its cool as hell, andit automatically lets everyone know what your aesthetic is about

**boxsprings:** im pretty everyone can already tell what nartis aesthetic is about

**witchinghour:** Lizards and Lesbians.

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** and witches and cats!

**witchinghour:** I thought that was clear from the "Lesbians" part.

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** good point

**boxsprings:** this is erasure of lesbians who are allergic to cats

**witchinghour:** They deserve to be erased.

**boxsprings:** damn and here i thought we were becoming friends

**boxsprings:** who bought you that lizards and lesbians shirt in the first place?

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** excuse? am i hearing this right? youve been giftswapping without me?

**witchinghour:** Shit, she knows.

**boxsprings:** damn and we were so careful

**boxsprings:** i thought our method of 'messaging this chat to set up a meet-up time to celebrate nartis birthday and inviting katie' was foolproof

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** hilarious beezer

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** i was busy! and i forgot!

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** i get so many notifications from the other chat too its hard to keep up

**boxsprings:** w/e traitor

**witchinghour:** There's no call to be rude.

**witchinghour:** We can certainly celebrate my birthday multiple times. That is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

**boxsprings:** assuming she remembers this time

**witchinghour:** Well, this time, she knows that if she fails to arrive again, the responsibility for a new gift falls to you.

**boxsprings:** now shes definitely not gonna remember

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** ya never know

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** im full of surprises

**ParisBelongs2thePidgeon:** happy late bday narti i swear ill be there this time!

**witchinghour:** Thank you.


	13. Galaxy Garrison Stars Career Network

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fren-shaped - Hunk  
> BabyBabyIce / SirLancelot - Lance  
> silversnitch - Shiro  
> pickybitch - Keith  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> Eight Dick Princess / LadyoftheLake - Allura  
> NewSheryiffinTown - Matt

**Fren-shaped:** just heard from nyma her n rolo are gonna try to make it to the party

 

**BabyBabyIce:** sweet are they bringing that good kush?

 

**silversnitch:** excuse me?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** the good kush, the sweet doja, that good good kind

 

**pickybitch:** why are you like this

 

**Gerblins:** the world may never know

 

**pickybitch:** x-files theme playing in the distance

 

**BabyBabyIce:** if by “like this” you mean an icon and a goddamn delight then idk i was just born that way

 

**pickybitch:** born this way playing in the distance

 

**silversnitch:** thats it im deleting

 

**Fren-shaped:** do you think we’ll ever get shiro to be proud of us?

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** I’m sure he is already proud of us deep down, in his own way.

 

**Fren-shaped:** woah allura!!! eight dick?

 

**Eight Dick Princess** : It’s true! :)

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Eight dick.

 

**BabyBabyIce:** one things for sure i kno were all proud of allura!

 

**Gerblins** : nothing but respect for my princess

 

**Gerblins:** is beezer gonna be at the party?

 

**BabyBabyIce:** wtf kind of name is beezer

 

**Gerblins:** its a nickname genius

 

**Fren-shaped:** nah i think beezers got a match that night

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** damn im gonna miss that funky little lesbian

 

**Gerblins:** hell yeah someonelll be online that night

 

**BabyBabyIce:** someones pretty excited ;)

 

**Gerblins:** shut up u piece of shit stoner

 

**BabyBabyIce:** try n stop me u useless lesbian

 

_ Gerblins _ has changed the nickname of  _ BabyBabyIce _ to  _ pieceofshitstoner _

 

**pieceofshitstoner:** way too long to be a good chatname

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** says who?

 

**pieceofshitstoner:** cmon this is excatly why we changed hunks name

 

**Gerblins:** fine

 

_ Gerblins _ has changed the name of  _ pieceofshitstoner _ to  _ shitstoner _

 

**shitstoner:** EW THAT JUST SEEMS NASTY

 

**pickybitch:** and you called me the picky one

 

**Gerblins:** ITS WHAT YOU DESERVE

 

**silversnitch:** i have to side with lance on this one

 

**Fren-shaped:** yeah idk i dont wanna read that all the time

 

**Gerblins:** okay fuck you all

 

_ Gerblins _ has changed the nickname of  _ shitstoner _ to  _ PoStoner _

 

**silversnitch:** is that any better?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** i think po means butt in german

 

**PoStoner:** ITS PERFECT

 

**Gerblins:** good then i dont wanna hear any more about it

 

**PoStoner:** why cant i change your chat name????

 

**Gerblins:**  ;)

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** the same reason no one can change mine

 

**Gerblins:** oh matt ppl can change your nickname its just you that cant

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** wait WHAT

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** THEN WHY IS THIS STILL MY NAME

 

**Gerblins:** :)

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** SOMEONE CHANGE IT

 

**PoStoner:** nah iim cool w it

 

**Fren-shaped:** yeah this works for me 

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Sorry Matt!  <3

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** DAMMIT

 

**pickybitch:** who tf is beezer

 

**Fren-shaped:** yknow the kid that hangs out with rolo and nyma?

 

**pickybitch:** i think i know rolo at least

 

**pickybitch:** wait isnt nyma the girl that stole lances wallet

 

**Fren-shaped:** while they were dating yeah

 

**pickybitch:** ?

 

**pickybitch:** why are they even invited?

 

**PoStoner:** bc theyre cool people and holding grudges is bad for your skin?

 

**pickybitch:** that doesnt make sense ur inviting her to your house?

 

**PoStoner:** well shiros house technically

 

**silversnitch:** wow thank you

 

**PoStoner:** also its the year of building bridges so whats the big deal?

 

**pickybitch:** she stole ur shit and cheated on you thats my problem

 

**PoStoner:** yeah when we were teenagers???

 

**PoStoner:** literally who didnt do shitty stuff at that age

 

**Gerblins:** um i resent that?

 

**PoStoner:** case in point

 

**silversnitch:** keith is pretending not to remember his car-jacking phase

 

**Gerblins:** HIS WHAT

 

**pickybitch:** wait fuck

 

**PoStoner:** carjacking PHASE??? like a period of time?? like he did this more than ONCE?

 

**pickybitch:** 3 TIMES TOPS I SWEAR IT

 

**Fren-shaped:** YOU STOLE 3 CARS??

 

**pickybitch:** 2 CARS AND 3 TIMES TOTAL JESUS

 

**silversnitch:** yeah including the time he stole my car and i had to bail him out and dismiss the charges

 

**PoStoner:** you stole SHIROS car??? Why????

 

**pickybitch:** I WAS A KID OK I WAS MAD AND DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

 

**Gerblins:** damn baby keith was a Bad Bitch

 

**PoStoner:** WAIT HOW DID YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE

 

**Fren-shaped:** the jumping cars thing makes more sense now

 

**Gerblins:** yeah he had to learn to dodge the ones who came looking for revenge

 

**pickybitch:** that is not true at all and it was like 10 years ago

 

**silversnitch:** 7 years

 

**pickybitch:** okay fine 7 years ago i stole some cars can we chill?

 

**Gerblins** : okay that is the fuckin quote of the year

 

**PoStoner:** so keith was a gd juvenile delinquent and hes judging a girl he doesnt know?

 

**pickybitch:** okay first of all fuck off and second of all im sorry i take it back no one can be held responsible for what they did in middle school

 

**PoStoner:** well glad thats settled

 

**Fren-shaped:** good news for lance too cuz he was a mess

 

**Gerblins:** yeah i think we figured that one already

 

**PoStoner:** alright so can we stop talking abt middle school now? were in college lets just talk about college stuff like weed and homework

 

**Fren-shaped:** i think those are middle school things too tho

 

**PoStoner:** shit whats special abt college?

 

**pickybitch:** exactly you ho

 

**PoStoner:** wow keith is living in 3018 i guess

 

**pickybitch:** finally you guys are catching up

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** What about jobs? I believe only Hunk had one when we were that age.

 

**PoStoner:** yeah alright!!! Alluura comin in clutch

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Why thank you, Lance <3

 

**PoStoner:** wait are u still loking for one?

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** :/

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Yes.

 

**Gerblins:** i thought shiro was gonna hook you up

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Unfortunately it’s not steady work, and it didn’t really work with my schedule. I need something a little more consistent.

 

**silversnitch:** im really sorry allura

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Don’t be! Please, it’s not your fault, Shiro. Don’t worry about it.

 

**PoStoner:** i can still put in a word for you w my manager? the hours r really flexible

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Only if it’s not putting you out too much, Lance?

 

**PoStoner:** of course not! Plus this job would be totally perfect for you

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** You think?

 

**PoStoner:** hell yeah, it was basically made for you

 

**PoStoner:** like the pay isnt great its barely over min wage but its stil super fun

 

**PoStoner:** you get to work with little kids that are all really excited and shy teenagers and ppl having a ton of fun and all you really have to do is be friendly and sometimes help them dress up a teddy bear

 

**PoStoner** : also you get to sit down a lot

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Really? It sounds wonderful.

 

**PoStoner:** it is!!! The only downside is when old dudes come in drunk n you have to benice to them which does happen more often thant youd think but not that often

 

**PoStoner:** plus it closes at 9 so ur never working until 2am

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Alright then, I’m sold! I’ll definitely put in an application.

 

**PoStoner:** :D !!!! <3!!! :D !!! :D

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** <3 :)

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** great college talk everybody

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** 100% super mature everyone wins the adult badge

 

**Gerblins:** someones salty

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** im not salty im bored lets go back to talking abt cool stuff like weed and homework

 

**Fren-shaped:** why would matt be salty?

 

**Gerblins:** he just lost his server position at sals

 

**Fren-shaped:** what? That totally sucks what happened???

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** i maybe, sorta, kinda missed a bunch of shifts

 

**Fren-shaped:** oh

 

**silversnitch:** seriously matt? Weve talked about this

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** i was in a weird place dude it just sucks that now i have to find something else

 

**Fren-shaped:** you were working as a server right? So youre restaurant trained?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** yeah? Well for a dinner place like that size and stuff. Ive also worked as a host and a dishwasher at other places

 

**Fren-shaped:** alright cool. I could maybe ask my moms to give you an interview?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** wait really?

 

**Fren-shaped:** yeah totally theyre always looking for help

 

**Fren-shaped:** i mean as long as youre not gonna start disappearing and dodging your shifts n stuff cuz that would look really bad for me it would be totally uncool dude

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** yeah of course not i would never do that to you i swear

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** hunk thats seriously so nice thank you so much???

 

**Fren-shaped:** dont mention it bud its no problem

 

**Gerblins:** wow hunk thats uh

 

**Gerblins:** really nice of you ;)

 

**Fren-shaped:** WHY IS THAT A WINKING FACE PIDGE

 

**Gerblins:** whoops sorry my finger slipped lmao

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** seriously dude, youre the best! Thank you oh my god

 

**Fren-shaped:** its nothing dude

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** no way its not nothing i am getting you the biggest thank you gift i swear it

 

**PoStoner:** hunk is blushing like crazy over here

 

**Fren-shaped:** DUDE

 

**Gerblins:** is this chat a temp agency now? Are we networking? Whats next, shiros gonna recommend me for an internship?

 

**silversnitch:** i guess i can if youre looking for one. What did you have in mind?

 

**Gerblins:** oh my god i was joking dude

 

**silversnitch:** i know, i just want to make sure you know i would if you asked me to

 

**pickybitch:** jesus it really is networking now isnt it

 

_ Gerblins  _  has changed the name of the chat to  _ Galaxy Garrison Stars Career Network _

 

**pickybitch:** fuckin college students

 

**PoStoner:** wtf pidge

 

**Gerblins:** just being honest

 

**pickybitch** : thanks i hate it

 

**Gerblins:**  now we can all put it on our resumes and no one has to know its just the name of a groupchat

 

**PoStoner:** ohhhh good point

 

**silversnitch:** i swear to god

 

**PoStoner:** nvm if we do that shiro will snitch on us

 

**Gerblins:** fight your instincts shiro! do it for your friends!

 

**silversnitch:** what friends

 

**PoStoner:** shit we turned shiro evil

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** hes kuro now and hes here to destroy us

 

**pickybitch:**  are we an anime now?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:**  were we ever not?

 

**PoStoner:** DIBS ON MC

 

**Gerblins** : dont be ridiculous we all know thats allura

 

**PoStoner:** shit shes right

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** What? I’m certain we would all be main characters.

 

**Gerblins:** Those eyes? That hair? Its definitely allura

 

**Gerblins:** and maybe shiro too come to think of it

 

**pickybitch:** what? Why them?

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Pidge, that’s very nice, but don’t sell yourself short! I think we’re all main character material in this chat.

 

**PoStoner:** gotta side w pidge on this one allura and shiro have the hair and the tragic backstories

 

**PoStoner:** not to mention theyre the only ones with the sheer BDE to pull it off

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Thank you? I think?

 

**pickybitch:** i have a tragic backstory and youve been obsessed with my hair since we met

 

**PoStoner:** keith theres no need to get pouty youd def be an important secondary and theres nothing wrong with that

 

**pickybitch:** im not being pouty

 

**pickybitch:** cmon ive got more bde than shiro

 

**PoStoner:** oh dude

 

**Gerblins:** keith im sorry but theres nothing more sde than saying you have more bde than your brother

 

**Gerblins:** you might have to be demoted for that

 

**pickybitch:** what? Demoted?

 

**PoStoner:** cmon we dont have to go that far keith can pull off secondary character

 

**Gerblins:** lance in light of you standing up for keith you might have enough power to pull off an mc

 

**PoStoner:** whoah really????

 

**Gerblins:** hell yeah man

 

**Gerblins:** if only we could do something about that hair

 

**PoStoner:** what? whats wrong w my hair?

 

**Gerblins:** its not quite colorful enough

 

**pickybitch:** this conversation is so pointless

 

_ Fren-shaped _ changed the nickname of  _ pickybitch _ to  _ pettybitch _

 

**pettybitch:** what???why?????????

 

**Gerblins:**  SDE

 

**Fren-shaped:** thats what happens when you cant play well with others

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**LadyoftheLake:** Lance? Can I ask you something?

**SirLancelot:** of course yeah whats up?

**LadyoftheLake:** First of all, I really appreciate your offer to help me find a position at your store.

**SirLancelot:** seriously lulu its no sweat, its like saying 3 words to my manager

**LadyoftheLake:** Still, I want you to know I do appreciate it.

**SirLancelot:** thanks

**SirLancelot:** really thank you for always noticing me and like, making the efffort to acknowledg me, i really appreciate that, i promise

**LadyoftheLake:** Of course! That’s friendship, Lance. It’s honestly the least I can do.

**SirLancelot:** it just means a lot to me

**SirLancelot:** i wanted you to know that

**LadyoftheLake:** I do know, Lance. Thank you.

**SirLancelot:** <3

**LadyoftheLake:** That’s somewhat what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.

**SirLancelot:** ?

**LadyoftheLake:** I’m not  sure how to say this, but I’m worried about you Lance. I’m worried about how isolated you’ve been lately.

**SirLancelot:** whatre you tlking about?

**LadyoftheLake:** I’ve noticed you pulling away from the group a bit, and I’m concerned.

**SirLancelot:** im still in the groupchat arent i? And lik going to class

**SirLancelot:** seriously idk what youre talking about

**LadyoftheLake:** I suppose it’s possible I’ve been reading into things. Still, Hunk told me he believes you’ve been smoking again.

**SirLancelot:** seriously??? I told him i havent been smoking i s2g he doesntl trust me at all

**LadyoftheLake:** Lance, that’s not true! Hunk trusts you completely.

**SirLancelot:** then why isnt he listening to me? I told him im fine and im telling you

**LadyoftheLake:** Telling me what?

**SirLancelot:** listen, allura, i apreciate it i really do and like what youre tryig to do here

**SirLancelot:** but im not isolating or spiraling or whatever

**SirLancelot:** and i really dont need you 2 batting down my doors trying to get me to admit whatever it is you want me to admit about needing help

**LadyoftheLake:** We all need help sometimes.

**SirLancelot:** i know that

**LadyoftheLake:** I’m sorry, Lance. I didn’t mean to insinuate that we don’t trust you to take care of yourself. I just wanted to make absolutely sure you know that we are here for you.

**SirLancelot:** i know. thank you, im just really not in the mood

**SirLancelot:**  look i get it i cant blame you considering my history

**LadyoftheLake:** I’m asking for selfish reasons too.

**SirLancelot:** ???

**SirLancelot:** lura you dont have a selfish bone in your body i dont buy it

**LadyoftheLake:** Maybe I wanted to believe that you’re isolating, and in need of help, because if you were acting distant to everyone, then I would know you were not just trying to distance yourself from me.

**SirLancelot:** allura no i would never do that

**LadyoftheLake:** I know. Or, I thought I did. But after I saw you lie in the groupchat about our relationship history, I suppose I got worried. Or paranoid, maybe. I don’t know, I’ve been worried that maybe I’d done something to cause you to become wary of me.

**SirLancelot:** allura, no. im soso sorry i didnt mean for it to come off that way

**SirLancelot:** look i said what i did in the groupchat bc i really wanted to get off the topic

**SirLancelot:** i really dont like talking abt middle school OR lotor at the best of times, so i was just trying to gloss over everything so we could get to a different subject

**SirLancelot:** i guess i have been acting distant but i swear its not because of anything you did

**LadyoftheLake:** Thank you. I’m sorry to push all my worries onto you like this.

**SirLancelot:** dont worry about it

**SirLancelot:** im glad you talked to me about it

**LadyoftheLake:** You are?

**SirLancelot:** yeah it gave me achance to tell you thats bs and i would never want to distance myself fom you

**SirLancelot:** allura ur honestly like the best person ive ever met and i never want to be the reason ur feeling insecure

**LadyoftheLake:** Thank you, Lance. I don’t know what to say. You’ve been incredibly kind.

**SirLancelot:** hey you know i know that feeling

**SirLancelot:** and i know how much it sucks

**LadyoftheLake:** It does. I hate feeling so insecure, and I hate making it someone else’s problem. 

**SirLancelot:** i get it

**SirLancelot:** its hard to feel like someone has that much power over you

**LadyoftheLake:** It’s just hard to need people.

**SirLancelot:** yeah

**SirLancelot:** it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Platonic Allurance bonding always warms my heart <3
> 
> Also, that feeling when everyone who calls you immediately assumes theres something wrong and you need help... its not great


	14. Cats, Gays, and Anime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PoStoner - Lance  
> Fren-shaped - Hunk  
> pettybitch - Keith  
> Eight Dick Princess - Allura  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> silversnitch - Shiro  
> NewSheryiffinTown - Matt

**PoStoner:** just found my new favorite magazine

 

_ PoStoner sent a link to modernCAT.jpeg _

 

**Fren-shaped:** NICE

 

**Fren-shaped:** ima bout to be another follower for that cat lmao

 

**PoStoner** : “this cat has 13 million followers find out why” ill tell you why. look at it. thats why.

 

**Fren-shaped:** ill tell you why in 4 words, that cat is beautiful

 

**pettybitch:** its 1.3 million dipshit

 

**PoStoner:** LITERALLY WHO ASKED YOU

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Is that Smoothie? The photogenic cat?

 

**PoStoner:** maybe?

 

**Fren-shaped:** ohmigod smoothie is the perfect name for that cat

 

**PoStoner:** my love

 

**Fren-shaped:** lil fluffball

 

**pettybitch:** what are we even doing here anymore

 

**PoStoner:** keith as an honorary cat you should care more

 

**pettybitch:** As A What

 

**PoStoner:** OMG OMGOMG

 

_ PoStoner sent a link to CatCon.jpeg _

 

 **Fren-shaped** : O o O

 

**PoStoner:** so whos ready for another con

 

**Gerblins:** YES

 

**silversnitch:** we are not going to another con

 

**PoStoner:** but shiro its CATCON

 

**PoStoner:** we can do it like we did animenext XD

 

**pettybitch:** i thought we all hated that

 

**pettybitch:** and dont u fucking dare use XD in this chat again i s2g

 

**PoStoner:** what r u gonna do mullet? ban me? perish the thought!!!!

 

**PoStoner:** also yeah it was rough but didnt we all like have a lot of fun?

 

**pettybitch:** where tf even is catcon

 

**PoStoner:** pasadena? wheres that?

 

**Gerblins:** like new mexico or something?

 

**Gerblins:** california

 

**Gerblins:** idk

 

**PoStoner:** i thought u were supposed to be a genius???!?!?!

 

**Gerblins:** A COMPUTER SCIENCE AND PROGRAMMING GENIUS NOT FUCKING GEOGRAPHY

 

**PoStoner:** .............

 

**PoStoner:** fair 

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** tsk my little sister is losing her touch

 

**Gerblins:** oh is that right matt? Is that what you think?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** NO NO  im sorry forget what i said please dont do whatever youre already doing katie i swear i wont say it again

 

**PoStoner:** now THAT is BDE damn pidge

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Oh it is Smoothie!

 

**silversnitch:** im loving this magazine. How have i never heard about this kitty cat?

 

**pettybitch:** bc youre an old man whos terrible at the internet

 

**silversnitch:** :/

 

**silversnitch:** and he used to be such a cute kid

 

**pettybitch:** FUCK YOU

 

**PoStoner:** did he really

 

**pettybitch:** why tf are we talking abt random cats now?

 

**Fren-shaped:** i would die for this cat

 

**pettybitch:** what? why?

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Look at her, Keith. She’s an absolute fashion icon.

 

**PoStoner:** a bicon

 

**Eight Dick Princess:**  YES!

 

**PoStoner:** okay so

 

**PoStoner** : Step 1 find out where pasadena is

 

**PoStoner:** Step 2 get tickets

 

**PoStoner:** Step 3 go to catcon

 

**PoStoner:** Step 4 ?????????

 

**PoStoner:** Step 5 Profit

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Excellent plan, Lance.

 

**Gerblins:** foolproof plan im in

 

**PoStoner:** nice lets do this

 

**pettybitch:** fine in im

 

**pettybitch:** wait fcuck

 

**pettybitch:** im in

 

**PoStoner:** keith kogayne the unstoppable wordsmith

 

**pettybitch:** you wanna go serrano????

 

**PoStoner:** hell yeah i wanna go lets go

 

**pettybitch:** ALL RIGHT LETS GO

 

**PoStoner:** MEET ME IN THE DENNYS PARKING LOTAT DAWN

 

**Gerblins:** lance why do you think all fighting happens in a dennys parking lot

 

**PoStoner:** am i wrong?

 

**pettybitch:** not technically

 

**Gerblins:** what does that even mean

 

**pettybitch:** it might not physically be there but that doesnt mean the fights not spiritually in a dennys parking lot

 

**PoStoner:** THANK YOU KEITH

 

**PoStoner:** finally somone understands me :’)

 

**PoStoner:** besides dennys after midnight is what i always imagined purgatory to be like

 

**silversnitch:** okay now what does that mean?

 

**PoStoner:** like in my mind the waiting room to the afterlife where everyone goes right after they die but like before the universe processes them?

 

**PoStoner:** is a dennys between 1 and 4am

 

**PoStoner:** or maybe an IHOP

 

**silversnitch:** why does that make sense?

 

**Gerblins:** thats such an image damn

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** okay now i know i need sleep cuz lance literally just blew my mind

 

**PoStoner:** ;)

 

**PoStoner:** not my first time blowing matts

 

**Gerblins:** for the last time lance keep ur damn fantasies to yourself he is my brother and you are disgusting

 

**PoStoner:** MIND

 

**PoStoner:** I MEANT TO WRITE MIND YOU GREMLIN MIIIINNNDDD

 

**silversnitch:** sure, lance. we all believe you.

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** awwww

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** lance youre a beautiful man but im sorry youre just not my type

 

**PoStoner:** I HATE

  
  
  
  


 

**Paperairplanes:** were doing movie night tn right?

**Hotlead** : of course

**Hotlead:** what are we watching

**Paperairplanes:** tonight its spirited away but im thinking we might do a whole miyazaki kick

**Paperairplanes:** those movies are just so fucking iconic we kinda gotta watch all of them

**Hotlead:** ive never seen spirited away

**Paperairplanes:** WHAT

**Hotlead:** i told you this ive only seen kikis deliversy service

**Paperairplanes:** that is a fuckin travesty youve never seen princess mononoke?????

**Hotlead:** no?

**Paperairplanes:** alright keith im sorry but we have to watch every miyazaki movie ever

**Hotlead:** how Unfortunate

**Paperairplanes:** can u make it into town this weekedn?

**Hotlead:** why

**Paperairplanes:** its a three day weekend its perfect for a miyazaki film festival

**Paperairplanes:** its been a rough week all around we can invite everyone

**Hotlead:** does it have to be this weekend

**Hotlead:** ill have to take time off work

**Paperairplanes:** please? Ill take careof everythiing and all the set u and getting the movies

**Paperairplanes:** all you have to do is show up and i promise ill make sure you have fun i swear please keith?

**Hotlead:** alright fine

**Hotlead:** it sounds kind of fun

**Paperairplanes:** XD

**Hotlead:** do Not

**Paperairplanes:** ;p

**Hotlead:** what 

**Hotlead:** what is that

**Paperairplanes:** god keith

**Paperairplanes:** ur really lucky youre cute

  
  
  


 

**Baby Gay:** Shiro

**PapaGay:** what whats going on is everything okay?

**Baby Gay:** he said that im cute

**PapaGay:** oh my god keith i thought something was wrong its 1am

**Baby Gay:** what does it MEAN

**PapaGay:** it means youre a disaster go to sleep

**Baby Gay:** :(

**PapaGay:** go to SLEEP


	15. Sledgehammer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eight Dick Princess / LadyoftheLake - Allura  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> PoStoner / officialMemelord / SirLancelot - Lance  
> NewSheryiffinTown - Matt  
> Fren-Shaped / cinnamonRolls - Hunk  
> pettybitch / Baby Gay- Keith  
> silversnitch / PapaGay - Shiro

**Eight Dick Princess:** Happy Trans Day of Visibility!

 

**Gerblins:** lmao happy tran

 

**PoStoner:** who is Tran and why does he need a visibility day

 

**Gerblins:** LMAO

 

**Eight Dick Princess:**  Well, it's a lot of work to be invisible all the time. He's earned a day to take a break.

 

**Gerblins:** today is the day all the trans are visible

 

**PoStoner:** well have to postpone all our bank robberies

 

**Gerblins:** we should definitely put those on hold

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Actually, it’s Bisexual Visibility Month too, so we’ll have to postpone them even longer.

 

**PoStoner:** DAMMIT

 

**PoStoner:** WHY DO THEY KEEP TRYNA MAKE US VISIBLE

 

**Gerblins:** has the lgbt community gone too far

 

**Fren-Shaped:** it definitely has why isnt there a straight visibility day

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:**  has everyone forgotten the plight of the straights?

 

**silversnitch:** yes

 

**pettybitch:** Good

 

**PoStoner:** WHOS BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO MAKE US ALL VISIBLE FOR A WHOLE GODDAMN MONTH

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** I don’t know, but I may need to have some strong words with this person.

 

**Gerblins:** oh shit alluras gonna throw some hands

 

**PoStoner:** GO GET EM LULU

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** you could make a religion out of this

 

**Gerblins:** bold of you to assume we havent already

 

**PoStoner:** did yall know the ancient egyptians used ants to suture wounds closed???

 

**Gerblins:** thats metal as fuck

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Step 1) place ant on wound

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Step 2) annoy ant

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Step 3) when ant bites, twist off its corpse. Wound is held together by pincers and it is metal A F

 

**Fren-Shaped:** that ant is a doctor now

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** p much yeah

 

**PoStoner:** they do hold the ants pincers open until its on the wounds tho

 

**pettybitch:** do you just look up random history facts all day?

 

**PoStoner:** im a polisci major i ahve to take history of course i learn weird facts

 

**PoStoner:** i learned that one from a podcast tho

 

**silversnitch:** lance dont you have a class right now? why are you listening to a podcast?

 

**PoStoner:** did you memorize my schedule shiro wtf????????

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** No, but since we share certain classes as PoliSci majors, and Shiro knows some things about my schedule, and since I’m sure I mentioned which ones we take together, I’m not surprised  he knows when you’re clearly skipping.

 

**PoStoner:** ok but youre clearly texting the groupchat in class so like idk what ur doing judging me

 

**Gerblins:**  sounds like someone hit a nerve

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** I’ll have you know that texting my friends during class is not the same as skipping the entire class.

 

**pettybitch:** sure it is princess

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Well, that’s a bold retort from someone who stopped going to classes altogether.

 

**PoStoner:** also thats still like a bananas amt of detective work from sme random snippets to figure out if im skipping class or not so i stand by my ‘shiro wtf’

 

**pettybitch:** its not skipping class if you have no classes? I dont see your point?

 

**silversnitch:** its not like i spend my time investigating the case of lance serrano and the missed classes i just happened to notice the time because i know allura is in class right now

 

**Fren-Shaped:** lance serrano and the missed classes sounds like one of those grade school chapter book mysteries

 

**Gerblins:**  thats amazing hunk itll be the next encyclopedia brown

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Whatever the process, we have established that Lance is currently missing an important class for his major in order to listen to podcasts.

 

**PoStoner:** Hey! do i text the groupchat whenever pidge skips class to go on a midday raid or play fortnite? Or when hunk skips to check out a new restaurant and work on his robotics project?

 

**Fren-Shaped:** Dude!

 

**silversnitch:** wait is that happening a lot?

 

**Gerblins:** and i thought wed hit the limit on how many snitches can be in one chat

 

**PoStoner:** look i didnt make any of you come for me ok u reap what u sow

 

_ Gerblins _ changed the nickname of  _ PoStoner _ to  _ PoSnitch _

 

**pettybitch:** whats the point of skipping class to listen to a podcast? youre just learning things anyway

 

**PoSnitch:** BECAUSE CLASS SUCKS AND PODCASTS ARE AWESOME AND I HAVE ADHD SO THIS KINDA LEARNING WORKS BETTER FOR ME SO CHILL FAM

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Lance, none of us are intentionally coming after you. I’m honestly just curious why you’re not in class.

 

**PoSnitch:** fine but only cuz you asked nicelyUNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

 

**pettybitch:** who is that aimed at

 

**PoSnitch:** IDK YORAK FIGURE IT OUT

 

**pettybitch:** i am never tellng you Anything Ever Again

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** yorak??

 

**Gerblins:** its what keiths mom wanted to name him as a baby

 

**NewSheryiffinTown** thats amazing id like to thank not only god but jesus

 

**pettybitch:** ARENT WE TALKING ABOUT LANCE

 

**pettybitch:** ALSO MATT UR JEWISH

 

**Gerblins:** id rather die than live in a world where we can only roast one person at a time or where jews cant take your lords name in vain

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** Amen

 

**pettybitch:** fuck the fuck off you fuckin fucks

 

**PoSnitch:** great burn dude you really showed them

 

**pettybitch:** shut it serrano just tell us what youre doing

 

**PoSnitch:** I TOLD U

 

**PoSnitch:** i was listening to podcasts nd saying goodbye to a cat i was catsitting whatre you doing

 

**silversnitch:** catsitting??

 

**PoSnitch:** yeah it was hard but hes a good boy

 

**Fren-Shaped:** oh i didnt know you were petsitting again

 

**PoSnitch:** actually its for one of my professors so

 

**PoSnitch:** HAH IT IS SCHOOL RELATED FUCK YEAH COME AT ME

 

**pettybitch:** i cant believe someone put you in charge of an actual living creature

 

**PoSnitch:** i cant believe anyone left u in charge of urself  mr-i-never-eat-or-sleep-but-somehow-i-take-care-of-a-giant-dog?

 

**pettybitch:** hes a Wolfhound and hes amazing and practitcally takes care of himself so think before you speak next time

 

**PoSnitch:** okay but that just proves my point that u should never be responsble for another living being

 

**PoSnitch:** god help you if u ever have kids

 

**silversnitch:** i second that im 90% sure the dog is the one taking care of keith

 

**pettybitch:** how can i trust anyone when even my own brother turns against me

 

**Fren-Shaped:** well you can trust your dog

 

**pettybitch:** :/

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** How was cat-sitting, Lance?

 

**PoSnitch:**  hes a good boy

 

**PoSnitch:** we played for a bit and then i put on a podcast n did some knitting

 

**Fren-Shaped:**  awesome dude whatre you making?

 

**PoSnitch:** im doing like a ppumpkin hat for halloween 

 

**PoSnitch:** so like nothing too complicated

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** can i have one?

 

**PoStoner:** really?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** hell yeah man i still have that scarf you made me and its like the warmest thing i own 

 

**PoSnitch:** sure thing man does anyone else want like a scarf or a hat or something? itll be halloween-themed :)

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** If it’s not too much trouble at all, I would love another pair of gloves like last year?

 

**PoSnitch:** u got it llura anyone else?

 

**Fren-Shaped:** i mean if you finish everyone elses id kill for one of those hats

 

**PoSnitch:** np ill probably make like 3 just to be safe

 

**pettybitch:** you make gloves?

 

**PoSnitch:** yeah my mom sends me the yarn in care packages and i always use it to make christmas gifts and stuff for the fambam

 

**pettybitch:** thats really cool

 

**PoSnitch:** do you

 

**PoSnitch:** do you want a pair?

 

**pettybitch:** um

 

**pettybitch:** is that okay?

 

**PoSnitch:** absolutely babe would skeleton gloves work?

 

**pettybitch:** that sounds perfect yeah

 

**PoSnitch:** you got it  <3

 

**NewSheryiffinTown** : my ship is sailing i can die happy now

 

**pettybitch:** Then Die

 

**Gerblins:** lmao nice job keith

 

**Gerblins:**  defending lances honor and giving him something to do so he can actually justify the time he spends listening to podcasts

 

**PoSnitch:** excuse me u rude little pidgeon podcasts are bae

 

**silversnitch:** honestly as long as hes learning i cant complain much

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** real quick shiro who assigned you this role in life?

 

**silversnitch:** i

 

**silversnitch:** what?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** why are you the group dad? Like when did you decide to be this person

 

**pettybitch:** trust me hes always been this way

 

**silversnitch:** wow

 

**Fren-Shaped** : why are we putting shiro on blast now we all need him to be this way

 

**PoSnitch:** tru its a fact of the universe yknow?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** a fact?

 

**PoSnitch:** yeah like

 

**PoSnitch:** hunk is the mom friend, shiro is the dad, coran is our wacky uncle, pidge is everyones evil little sister, allura is the awesome big sister and matt is a bro

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** and here i thought katie was just my evil little sister

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** plus i think of shiro more like a cool older brother

 

**silversnitch:** i am a man of many hats

 

**Gerblins:** nah i agree w lance

 

**pettybitch** : except you all forgot me???

 

**Gerblins:**  you dont count here

 

**pettybitch:** what why not?

 

**PoSnitch:** keith is the next door neighbor who is always there at the house for no real reason

 

**pettybitch:** what???? I dont even live with you guys???

 

**PoSnitch:**  ur our kimmy gibbler dude chill

 

**pettybitch:** EVERYONE HATES KIMMY GIBBLER

 

**PoSnitch:**  EXCUSE ME NO THEY DONT U FUCKIN SCRUB

 

**pettybitch:**  YES THEY DO

 

**PoSnitch:**  ok well ur the one who moved away so like? take it up w urself?

 

**pettybitch:** so im out of your weird fuckin chat family just bc i couldnt college?

 

**PoSnitch:** YOURE THE ONE WHO LEFT

 

**PoSnitch:** u can rejoin this family when u decide to act like a part of it ok keithy boy?

 

**Fren-Shaped:** ok lets roll back a bit?

 

**pettybitch:** fine with me

 

**PoSnitch:** yeah?

 

**pettybitch:** yeah who wants to be in your gd family anyway

 

_ pettybitch left the chat _

 

**PoSnitch** : wow shocking mr lonewolf goes off on his own again

 

**PoSnitch:** real mature keith

 

**silversnitch:** Lance

 

**PoSnitch:** relax hes just being dramatic he does this like once a week

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Lance, I think you hurt his feelings.

 

**PoSnitch:** wtf r u talking abt keith doesnt have any feelings

 

**Gerblins:** okay what happened

 

**PoSnitch:** what

 

**Gerblins:** five minutes ago you and keith were doing fucking heart eyes at each other and talking about making cute little gifts and now youre back to intentionally antagonizing him and maybe even bullying

 

**PoSnitch:** WHAT NO WE WERENT

 

**PoSnitch:** IM BULLYING HIM?? KEITH IS 100% ALWAYS BULLYING ME

 

**Gerblins:** what happened lance

 

**PoSnitch:** NOTHING

 

**silversnitch:** if anything did happen you know you could always talk to us right, lance?

 

_ PoSnitch left the chat _

 

**Gerblins:** oh for fucks sake

 

**Fren-Shaped:** talk about dramatic

 

**silversnitch:** well what do we do now

 

**Gerblins:** i can permanently add them both back but i dont think thats going to solve the real problem here

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Is there anything earlier in the chat which could tell us what happened?

 

**Fren-Shaped:** i dont know but lance isnt talking

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** What do you mean?

 

**Fren-Shaped:** hes locked in his room blasting lorde and mitski

 

**Gerblins:** wait did something like actually actually happen???

 

**silversnitch:** ill see what i can get from keith

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** do they do this a lot?

 

**Gerblins:** well keith dramatically leaves the chat about once a week or so lance was right about that

 

**Gerblins:** lance is usually the last person to leave though

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** He’s also the one who starts the majority of our conversations.

 

**Fren-Shaped:** yeah he texts some weird fact or something he just saw and it reminds us all that this chat is even here

 

**Gerblins:** ive got his internet history

 

**silversnitch:** Pidge! That is definitely not the right way to solve this!

 

**Gerblins:** i know!

 

**Gerblins:** its just a last resort

 

**silversnitch:** Pidge, Lance is our friend and we can’t violate his privacy like that.

 

**Fren-Shaped:**  its a last resort if no one hears anything from lance by tomorrow okay?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** dont forget keith weve gotta talk to him too

 

**silversnitch:** i already got him hes fine

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Keith is alright?

 

**silversnitch:** yeah he just needs a minute

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Alright. Then let’s break and report back here in an hour on our findings. Does that work for everyone?

 

**Fren-Shaped:** oh no

 

**Gerblins:** what

 

**Fren-Shaped:** hes listening to marina and the diamonds

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Oh no.

 

**Gerblins:** shit

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** what what does that mean?

 

**Fren-Shaped:** lance hasnt been into marina since high school

 

**Fren-Shaped:** like last time i heard him listening to it was when he failed a midterm

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** so what do we do?

 

**Fren-Shaped:** im staking out the common room though so ill let everyone know if lance leaves his room

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Fair enough. Good luck, Hunk.

 

**Fren-Shaped:** thanks. good luck to all you guys too..

  
  
  
  


**Baby Gay:** he called me babe

**Baby Gay:** he knits shiro i cant handle this

**PapaGay:** breathe keith

**PapaGay:** just remember to breathe

**PapaGay:** Hey is everything okay?

**PapaGay:** Keith?

**PapaGay:** Im not going to  stop until I hear something from you

**Baby Gay:** im fine shiro just leave me alone

**PapaGay:** are you sure? because im happy to talk about it you know

**Baby Gay:** i know

**PapaGay:** maybe i can help?

**Baby Gay:** okay fine

**Baby Gay:** i dont know what im doing wrong 

**Baby Gay:** i thought we were getting along? he was going to knit me some gloves and we were watching movies together and everything. i didnt even know he knits but god its so him of course he does but then like

**Baby Gay:**  he just kinda turned?

**Baby Gay:** i dont know maybe he was just joking and im overreacting but is it just me or is he like mad?

**PapaGay:** its not just you. Lance left the chat after you did and hunk said hes holed up in their room. It definitely seems like something happened.

**Baby Gay:** so im not just being crazy?

**PapaGay:** no keith

**PapaGay:** its hard for you because now that you know how you feel about lance, his words have a lot more power over you

**Baby Gay:** i dont want him to have any power over me

**PapaGay:** i know

**PapaGay:** but like it or not his words have an impact on your feelings

**Baby Gay:** we were arguing earlier but i thought we were just messing around idki thought we were doing okay

**Baby Gay:** he wanted to do this whole movie marathon thing this weekend and he said he was going to invite everyone and do all the planning but now he says it might not be a good idea

**Baby Gay:** i think hes cancelling

**Baby Gay:**  i hate feeling this way

**PapaGay:** im so sorry keith

**Baby Gay:** i guess i got excited bc it was kind of like

**Baby Gay:** he was throwing this whole party just for me? And i guess i thought that meant something

**Baby Gay:** but maybe it doesnt

**PapaGay:** look no matter what, lance is your friend and he cares about you

**PapaGay:** hes not doing anything to intentionally hurt you

**PapaGay:** i dont think hes that kind of person

**Baby Gay:** i dont know

**Baby Gay:** i feel like i did something wrong and i dont know what it is and i just want to make it right

**PapaGay:** im sorry but we wont know anything until lance tells us himself

**PapaGay:** do you think you can hold on until then?

**Baby Gay:** yeah ill be okay

**PapaGay:**  be kind to yourself, Keith

**PapaGay:** you cant control what feelings you have, only what you do with them

**PapaGay:** take care of yourself please? Im not there to do it so i have to trust you to do it for me. okay?

**Baby Gay:** okay

**PapaGay:** thank you

**Baby Gay:** thanks shiro

**Baby Gay:** seriously thank you for everything

**PapaGay:** dont mention it, bro

**PapaGay:**  its my job

 

 

 

 

**cinnamonRolls:** Lance?

**cinnamonRolls:** dude is everything okay?

**cinnamonRolls:** come on lance please answer

**cinnamonRolls:** dude everyone is really worried about you

**cinnamonRolls:** im not going to stop until i hear from you

**cinnamonRolls:** lance man please talk to me

**cinnamonRolls:** talk to me okay? you know im here for you im always here for you

**cinnamonRolls:** we dont even have to talk abt whatever the problem is seriously just say something to me so i know youre okay

**cinnamonRolls:** lance

**officialMemelord:** im okay

**cinnamonRolls:** LANCE

**cinnamonRolls:** DUDE

**cinnamonRolls:** oh my god thank god youre there

**cinnamonRolls:** whats going on? Are you okay? whats happening?

**cinnamonRolls:** lance?

  
  
  


**LadyoftheLake:** Lance?

**SirLancelot:** hey hot stuff, whats up?

**LadyoftheLake:** Lance! It’s so good to hear from you!

**SirLancelot:** whats wrong did something happen?

**LadyoftheLake:** Everyone is very worried about you, Lance. We all want to know the best way to support you.

**SirLancelot:** whoa why are ppl worried? Im fine

**LadyoftheLake:** Are you sure? You seemed upset in the groupchat.

**SirLancelot:** nah i just need some time to myself yknow?

**SirLancelot:** ill be back in a bit

**LadyoftheLake:** Okay. Is there anything we can do for you?

**SirLancelot:** not really

**SirLancelot:** could you ask hunk to stop messaging me? its kind of stressful to have my phone blowing up like this rn

**LadyoftheLake:** Of course. I’m sure he just wants to hear from you to know that you’re alright, but I can tell him you’d like him to give you a little space?

**SirLancelot:** thanks. I just need a little time okay? no one has to worry

**LadyoftheLake:** Thank you, Lance  <3

**SirLancelot:** ??

**SirLancelot:** for what

**LadyoftheLake:** For putting us at ease. It’s a huge relief to hear from you, and I promise you it’s appreciated.

**SirLancelot:** oh

**SirLancelot:** yeah np

**LadyoftheLake:** <3

  
  
  


 

**PrinceOfHearts:** Hey babe  <3

**PrinceOfHearts:** It’s been a while.

**PrinceOfHearts:** Can we talk?

**Leggy:** um?

**PrinceOfHearts:** Don’t you remember me, Lancey?

**Leggy:** wait

**Leggy:** Lotor?

**PrinceOfHearts:**  ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thats what happened
> 
> Surprise!


	16. Prince of Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leggy - Lance  
> PrinceOfHearts - Lotor

**Leggy:** I don’t want to hear from you

**PrinceOfHearts:** Please?

**Leggy:** NO I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU

**PrinceOfHearts:** I know we left things in a bad place, Lancey, and that’s what bothers me. I just want to make things right with you, I swear.

**PrinceOfHearts:** If you really don’t want to talk to me I’ll back off, but

**PrinceOfHearts:** You haven’t blocked me, and you’re still reading my messages, and I know that means something.

**PrinceOfHearts:** Tell me it means something, Lancey, please

**Leggy:** stop calling me that

**PrinceOfHearts:** So now you’re speaking to me?

**Leggy:** i told you i didnt want to talk to you

**PrinceOfHearts:** No, you didn’t. You ghosted me, Lance. You left me alone in the cold, wondering what I had done wrong, and never once tried to contact me.

**PrinceOfHearts:** Do you know how that felt? Do you have any idea how it hurt to be so soundly rejected by you? To be completely removed from your life without so much as a notice as to why?

**Leggy:** i

**Leggy:** look im sorry but i really dont want to talk to you

**PrinceOfHearts:** No, I suppose you wouldn’t.

**PrinceOfHearts:** Who would want to face their greatest mistake after having moved on, forget anyone it hurts, so long as they get away clean?

**Leggy:** i dont think of you as a mistake

**PrinceOfHearts:** Of course you do. How else can you explain the years of silence?

**Leggy:** IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO WENT SILENT

**PrinceOfHearts:** No? So then you answered all 27 of the concerned messages I tried to send over the 12 months following our coupling?

**Leggy:** God who calls it that ‘our coupling’ i s2g im gonna fucking throw up

**PrinceOfHearts:** Well.

**PrinceOfHearts:** I suppose at least now I know what you really thought about that night.

**PrinceOfHearts:** Better late than never, I suppose.

**Leggy:** thats not what i meant

**PrinceOfHearts:** No? You weren’t trying to remove me from your life completely without ever telling me what I had done wrong? You weren’t trying to discard me without a thought?

**Leggy:** i had a thought okay i had so many thoughts do you have any idea how hard that was???? I trusted you i fucking trusted you you goddamn asshole i trusted you

**PrinceOfHearts:** I trusted you, too.

**PrinceOfHearts:** Though I suppose that doesn’t matter as much to you as your need to be the victim in every situation.

**Leggy:** okay fuck you i cant do this

**Leggy:** stop talking to me stop fucking talking to me i dont want to hear from you anymore okay i cant do this please

**PrinceOfHearts:** I’m sorry, Lance.

**PrinceOfHearts:** I’m sorry my concerns about our relationship inconvenienced you. I’m sorry my attempts to learn from the past and move forward with my life are so damaging to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect as a teenager and I’m sorry my struggles were “too much” for you. I’m sorry I was so difficult for you to be around. That must’ve been so hard, trying to be friends with someone who was so desperate for connection and compassion and friendship that he turned to you in his times of need.

**PrinceOfHearts:** I promise I won’t be making those mistakes again. I’m sorry to have been such a burden to you. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me for inflicting myself on you under the guise of love, it would mean the world to me.

**Leggy:** im sorry

**PrinceOfHearts:** Oh? I’m sorry, I must’ve heard wrong, are you telling me the always right and perfect Lance Serrano is suggesting he could be partially to blame for the messy situation between two confused and hurting kids which occurred years ago? Surely you jest. The esteemable Lance Serrano has never made any mistakes, or hurt any of the people he cares about, or been anything less than perfect once in his entire life.

**Leggy:** okay you made your point

**Leggy:** im sorry okay?

**Leggy:** i didnt handle that very well but i didnt know what to do and Im sorry lotor really

**PrinceOfHearts:** It’s okay.

**PrinceOfHearts:** I’m sorry, Lancey. I started this off all wrong.

**Leggy:** no its ok just

**Leggy:** what did you want to say

**PrinceOfHearts:** It’s not easy to talk about, but…

**PrinceOfHearts:** I miss you, Lancey. We used to be so close. I know things were difficult last time, but being with you has always meant so much to me. I’m sorry I didn’t always show you that enough.

**PrinceOfHearts:** Please, can we meet to talk in person?

**Leggy:** I don’t think I can do that

**PrinceOfHearts:** All I want is one chance. One chance for us to be friends again.

**PrinceOfHearts:** You don’t have to commit to anything. Just one meeting is all that I ask.

**Leggy:** i really dont know

**PrinceOfHearts:** Please, Lance. If you don’t like it, we never have to speak again. You can tell me to stay away and I will respect that, but please, just one meeting?

**PrinceOfHearts:** For me?

**Leggy:** okay. I have some free time on thursday

**PrinceOfHearts:** I’m so sorry, but Thursday just wouldn’t work for me. I have so much going on right now. Is there any free time you have tomorrow?

**Leggy:** i guess

**Leggy:** im free at 4?

**PrinceOfHearts:** Wonderful! Truly, thank you, this is absolutely wonderful. I’ll meet you at Sal’s?

**Leggy:** sure

**PrinceOfHearts:** I can’t wait.

**Leggy:** see u tomorow

**PrinceOfHearts:** I’ll see you tomorrow, Lancey  <3 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might not need saying, but if someone won't leave you alone when you ask them to, they're putting their own feelings ahead of your needs. If you make a habit of telling people to leave you alone when you don't want them to, you're asking them to read your mind and setting both of you up for disappointment.
> 
> Sorry, not trying to get preachy I just have a lot of feelings and things are hard. Sorry for the long wait, and thanks for reading this far.


	17. Resolutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cinnamonRolls - Hunk  
> Memelord / Leggy - Lance  
> PrinceOfHearts - Lotor  
> Baby Gay - Keith  
> PapaGay - Shiro

**cinnamonRolls:** hey dude?

**Memelord:** yeah?

**cinnamonRolls:**  where did you go after lab yesterday?

**Memelord:** i went on a date

**cinnamonRolls:** a date????? dude you didnt say anything!!!!!

**Memelord:** yeah i kinda wanted to play this one close to the vest

**cinnamonRolls:** but you always tell me about your dates

**Memelord:** this one was really shortnotice i really wanted to tell you but i got nervous

**cinnamonRolls:**  why what was up?

**cinnamonRolls:** who were you with

**Memelord:** um you remember that dude from my photography class

**cinnamonRolls:** oh man that guy?? Dude congrats!!!!! youve been totally into him since the start of the semester

**Memelord:** yeah i got really lucky

**cinnamonRolls:**  how did it go??? did you have enough to talk about? did you get all flustered thinking about how pretty he was like you thought you would? Oh shit did you learn his first name?

**Memelord:**  yeah his first name is ryan

**Memelord:** we got along really well hes super cool

**cinnamonRolls:** are you guys going out again?

**Memelord:** maybe

**cinnamonRolls:** hes coming to the halloween party right? You should ask him to go with you!

**Memelord:** what no that doesnt make any sense

**cinnamonRolls:**  why not?

**cinnamonRolls** : you still like him right?

**Memelord:** yeah of course hes

**Memelord:** great

**cinnamonRolls:** oh 

**cinnamonRolls:** is this gonna be one of those things where you dont ask him out again cuz youre afraid he wont be into you anymore but you pretend its bc youre trying to ‘play the field’ or something?

**Memelord:** what no i dont do that

**Memelord:** jfc hunk you dont know everything about me okay? Im not just an anxious mess all the time i can be okay sometimes

**cinnamonRolls:** im sorry dude

**cinnamonRolls:** i didnt mean that

**cinnamonRolls:** its just been a really long time since ive seen you date someone you really like

**cinnamonRolls:** i just want you to find someone who makes you feel good, yknow?

**Memelord:** yeah i know

**Memelord:** youre just looking out for me and i really appreciate that hunk

**cinnamonRolls:** i love you man

**Memelord:** i love you too

**Memelord:** i am gonna ask ryan to the party

**cinnamonRolls:** fuck yeah get it lance!

**Memelord:** thanks man

**cinnamonRolls:** just to be clear this is that kinkade dude who always takes the really cool pictures with the ‘silent framing’ right

**Memelord:** yeah thats exactly who i went out with today and we talked abut photography stuff which we both do and stuff 

**cinnamonRolls:** great just making sure

**cinnamonRolls:** its not gonna be weird that keiths there, right?

**Memelord:** why would that be weird

**cinnamonRolls:** cuz youve had that big crush on him for a really long time? he doesnt relly get along with kinkades friends either so like

**cinnamonRolls:** if one of you gets jealous it could get pretty bad

**Memelord:** neither of us is going to get jealous hunk

**Memelord:** i told you im way over that and keith never liked me in the first place so

**cinnamonRolls:** are you sure?

**Memelord:** absolutely

**Memelord:** its totally gonna be fine, i promise

**cinnamonRolls:** okay

  
  
  
  


**PrinceOfHearts:** I loved our talk today, Lancey  <3

**PrinceOfHearts:** Thank you so much for agreeing to meet. The conversation was incredible. It meant the world to me, more than you can ever know.

**Leggy:** im glad

**PrinceOfHearts:** Great. Next time is going to be even better, I'm sure of it :D

**Leggy:**  it was really nice

**PrinceOfHearts:** I can’t wait to see you again. Take care Lancey Lance  <3

  
  
  


 

**Baby Gay:** is lance back in the chat yet

**PapaGay:** not yet

**Baby Gay:** whats taking him so long? I need him to add me back in

**PapaGay:** yknow i can add you back to the chat too keith

**Baby Gay:** but lance always does it

**Baby Gay:** usually before i even wake up

**PapaGay:** he mustve been busy today

**Baby Gay:** busy with what? He doesnt do anything

**PapaGay:** he works, goes to class, and competes on the swim team keith he does plenty

**Baby Gay:** yeah i know i know lance does a lot but what was he doing today that kept him out of the chat? he loves that chat

**PapaGay** : i know

**Baby Gay:** well?

**PapaGay:** hunk may have said something about a date

**Baby Gay:** oh

**PapaGay:** im sorry keith

**Baby Gay:** no its fine

**Baby Gay:** were just friends right? so im happy for him

**Baby Gay:** as his friend

**Baby Gay:** is he going to see her again

**PapaGay:** uh

**PapaGay:** actually the date was with Ryan Kinkade

**Baby Gay:** oh

**PapaGay:** hes a photography major

**Baby Gay:** sounds pretentious

**PapaGay:** hes really nice

**Baby Gay:** i bet he is

**PapaGay:** keith please

**PapaGay:** you dont need to be anyones second choice you know

**PapaGay:** keith?

  
  


 

**Shiro:** Adam?

**Adam:** Takashi?

**Shiro:** Hi

**Shiro:** Can we talk?


	18. Massive Grandma Conspiracy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fren-Shaped - Hunk  
> PoSnitch - Lance  
> pettybitch - Keith  
> NewSheryiffinTown - Matt  
> Gerblins - Pidge  
> silversnitch - Shiro  
> Eight Dick Princess - Allura

**Fren-Shaped:** this is getting ridiculous

 

_ Fren-Shaped _ has added  _ PoSnitch _ to the chat

 

_ Fren-Shaped _ has added  _ pettybitch _ to the chat

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** finally!!! It was so boring without you here

 

**PoSnitch:** do you mean me or keith?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** i mean take a guess

 

**pettybitch:** gee thanks

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** no offense its just lance is fun

 

**pettybitch:** how could i take offense to that

 

**PoSnitch:** LMAO getwrekt keith

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** see i knew youd understand

 

**pettybitch:** that was clearly sarcastic you Bitch

 

**Gerblins:** whyd it take you guys so long to come back?

 

**pettybitch:** lance was on a date

 

**PoSnitch:** HOW

 

**PoSnitch:** HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT

 

**pettybitch:** shiro told me

 

**silversnitch:** sorry lance

 

**PoSnitch:** WHY

 

**PoSnitch:** in what possible world would my dating life come up in a convo btw you twoo???

 

**pettybitch:** in the world of me asking why i wasnt added back to the chat yet

 

**PoSnitch:** shiro couldve added you??? I mean fuck hunks the one who added us both back anyway

 

**Fren-shaped:** because you were being an idiots and kept blowing me off?

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Lance, is everything alright? I was surprised you hadn’t rejoined us sooner.

 

**PoSnitch:** i told you before everything is fine i just had a date so i was distracted and i kept forgetting its really not a big deal

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Of course, I didn’t mean to push you.

 

**pettybitch:** whatever were all back now lets just talk about dumb shit like we usually do

 

**PoSnitch:** yes thank you keith dumb shit sounds good to me

 

**Gerblins:** what did you have in mind?

 

**PoSnitch:** theres a park near campus called glory hole park and i cant stop thinking about it

 

**Gerblins:** we really dont need to hear about all your slut adventures lance

 

**PoSnitch:** I JUST THINK ITS FUNNY

 

**pettybitch:** very mature

 

**PoSnitch:** YES I KNOW IM 20 YEARS OLD HOW MATURE ARE YOU EXPECTING ME TO BE

 

**Gerblins:** You? Not at all so dwai

 

**PoSnitch:** great now i cant disappoint you

 

**Gerblins** : exactly!

 

**Fren-shaped** : yeah lance dont worry we dont expect you to be mature at all!

 

**PoSnitch:** youre confidence in me is always inspiring

 

**Gerblins:** thats what friends are for buddy

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** to be fair, that park was definitely named that way for a reason and it is not immature to notice that

 

**silversnitch:** what reason?

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** take a guess

 

**silversnitch:** guttersnipe

 

**NewSheryiffinTown:** you have the insults of a 60 year old man

 

**pettybitch:** im starting to suspect that shiro was possessed by the spirit of a grandpa at a young age

 

**PoSnitch:** hell nah that is grandma energy right there

 

**PoSnitch:** Pure Abuelita Vibes

 

**silversnitch:** i try

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Is grandma energy an alternative to Big Dick Energy?

 

**PoSnitch:** absolutely not have you met my grandma?

 

**Fren-shaped:** every grandmother ive ever met has had BDE like crazy so i have to go with lance on this one

 

**Gerblins:** same my grandma is a bamf

 

**pettybitch:** your grandma is still alive?

 

**Gerblins:** yeah?

 

**pettybitch:** wtf

 

**Gerblins:** how is that weird to you

 

**pettybitch:** how is it not weird like who has grandparents anymore

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** A lot of people have grandparents, Keith. It’s not uncommon.

 

**pettybitch:** that is definitely not true

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Why

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** Why would I lie?

 

**PoSnitch:** its a massive grandma conspiracy

 

**PoSnitch:** dont trust anyone who says they still have grandparents

 

**Gerblins:** rude bubbe is gonna hear about this lance

 

**PoSnitch:** Let Them Come

 

**PoSnitch:** the grandparents do not scare me

 

**Fren-shaped:** you dont want to do that bud

 

**Fren-shaped:** their combined bde will piledrive you into the ground lance

 

**pettybitch:** i would honestly pay to see lance get his ass beat by a bunch of octogenarians

 

**PoSnitch:** what tf is a octogenarian

 

**Gerblins:** a old person dumbass

 

**Fren-shaped:** a person in their 80s

 

**Fren-shaped:** pidge!

 

**Gerblins:** what we said the same thing

 

**PoSnitch:** so its a dumb old person?

 

**Gerblins:** oh my god

 

**pettybitch:** its just an old person lance im sure youve seen plenty of them

 

**PoSnitch:** and im sure you havent keith 

 

**pettybitch:** rude

 

**PoSnitch:** what im just joking abt you having no family how is that rude

 

**silversnitch:** youre both rude and you both need to cut it out

 

**PoSnitch:** hey pidge is being rude too!

 

**Gerblins:** i am not im being funny

 

**pettybitch:** were all funny youre not special

 

**Gerblins:** my nearly completed college degree would beg to differ

 

**PoSnitch:** we all have nearly completed college degrees

 

**pettybitch:** Then Beg

 

**pettybitch:** lance you ruined my awesome response

 

**PoSnitch:**  wow edgelord my bad im so sorry

 

**pettybitch:** yours isnt even true fuck you

 

**PoSnitch:** ITS TRUE ENOUGH

 

**silversnitch:** its a little insulting

 

**PoSnitch:** SLANDER

 

**PoSnitch:** IM SUING YOU LL FOR LIBEL

 

**Gerblins:** its only libel if it isnt true so we can kind of say whatever we want

 

**Fren-shaped:** we can already say whatever we want 

 

**Eight Dick Princess:** That’s called one of the amendments.

 

**PoSnitch:** you beautiful british sunbeam i do not think that is correct

 

**Gerblins:** It is in fact correct you fake american

 

**PoSnitch:** i am not an american i am a cuban you little devil child?

 

**Fren-shaped:** you moved here when you were eight i think you count as an american now

 

**PoSnitch:** tell that to the government pls

 

**pettybitch:** omw now

 

**PoSnitch:** my only real friend in these trying times

 

**Fren-shaped:** :’(

  
  
  
  


 

**Hotlead:** hey lance?

**Paperairplanes:** yeah?

**Hotlead:** is it cool if I head to the party early?

**Paperairplanes:** i guess why?

**Hotlead:** i won’t do it if it doesnt work for you I jusgt thought I could help decorate or something

**Paperairplanes:** no yeah you totally can! That would be totally awesome and I’m sure hunk would appreciate it tbh thanks for offering wed love to have you

**Hotlead:** yeah?

**Paperairplanes:** of course dude youre always welcome anytiime

**Hotlead:** so

**Paperairplanes:** ?

**Hotlead:** are we still doing the miyazaki thing

**Hotlead:** like i get it if you dont want to anymore or you have a date or something i just wanted to make sure

**Paperairplanes:** of course we are!!! Why wouldnt we?

**Paperairplanes:** im sorry i got weird in the groupchat keith. Ive had like a rough couple days. I still really wanna do the miyazaki thing if youre still into it.

**Hotlead:** it sounds like a lot of fun, id like to

**Paperairplanes:** yeah?

**Hotlead:** if youre still down im still down

**Paperairplanes:** then were so on. my last class friday ends at 3 so come by the house any time after 4 and we can get started on the full body ghibli-infusion right away my guy

**Hotlead:** cool

**Hotlead:** and you’re sure I’ll like these movies?

**Paperairplanes:** keith anyone who doesnt enjoy ghibli movies is not someone i want to be associated with so you better enjoy them

**Hotlead:** great no pressure

**Paperairplanes:** lmao dont worry, im sure youll love them

**Paperairplanes:** shiro loves them anyway hes bringing like half of them on dvd

**Hotlead:** of course he is

**Paperairplanes:** i know right? What a parent move dvds lol

**Hotlead:** whats wrong with dvds

**Paperairplanes:** nothing i guess if youre into that but like

**Paperairplanes:** just fucking download it like a normal person honestly like who buys movies anymore

**Hotlead:** lots of people? People who dont have netflix accounts?

**Paperairplanes:** ok but who even is that? no one still doesnt have a netflix

**Hotlead:** i dont

**Paperairplanes:** w

**Paperairplanes:** but you have wifi?

**Hotlead:** yeah but shockingly between gas and food i dont really have the extra income for a netflix account

**Paperairplanes:** keith thats

**Paperairplanes:** thatss horrible?? How do you live bro are you okay?

**Hotlead:** somehow i get by

**Paperairplanes:** that was sarcasm wasnt it

**Hotlead:** incredible that you caught that

**Paperairplanes:** shut up mullet 

**Hotlead:** what is ur deal with my hair?

**Paperairplanes:** I DONT GET IT

**Paperairplanes:** HOWWWWWW

**Hotlead:** HOW WHAT?

**Hotlead:** wtf is your problem with my godamn hair

**Paperairplanes:** HOW IS IT STILL PRETTY

**Paperairplanes:** WHO THE HELL LOOKS GOOD WITH A MULLET HOW DO YOU DO IT YOU FUCKING SORCERER

**Hotlead:** you think it looks good?

**Paperairplanes:** i did not say that

**Hotlead:** you basically did

**Paperairplanes:** look pretty boy you can drop the false humility around me we both know youre gorgeous and you have every other girl/guy/enbie swooning over you everyday okay

**Hotlead:** i definitely dont

**Paperairplanes:** yah you do!!! Stop lying!

**Hotlead:** idk what youre talking about?

**Paperairplanes:** how do you not? Youre so pretty ppl are fainting in the street when you walk by

**Hotlead:** that is definitely not true

**Hotlead:** youre way prettier than ill ever be for one thing

**Paperairplanes:** i

**Paperairplanes:** what?

**Hotlead:** i mean come on you're loverboy lance for a reason

**Hotlead:** youre beautiful and anyone with half a brain can see it so

**Hotlead:** ?

**Hotlead:** lance?

**Hotlead:** you there?

  
  
  


**MemeLord:** i was wrong

**cinnamonrolls:** about what?

**MemeLord:** im not over keith

**cinnamonrolls:** shocking

**cinnamonrolls:** what was your first clue

**MemeLord:** HUNK CMON IM FREAKING OUT

**MemeLord:** HE CALLED ME BEAUTIFUL AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

**cinnamonrolls:** oh shit really?

**cinnamonrolls:** what did you say?

_ MemeLord sent ohgoddwhatdoido.jpg _

_ MemeLord sent fuckivegottasaysomething.jpg _

**cinnamonrolls:** damn

**cinnamonrolls:** well youve gotta say something

**MemeLord:** I KNOW THAT

**MemeLord:** WHAT THE FUCK DO I SAY

**cinnamonrolls:** hang on

**cinnamonrolls:** okay you can maybe have until tomorrow to think of something if you say your phone died or you fell asleep or something but youll have to avoid all social media until youve thought of what to say

**MemeLord:** done

**cinnamonrolls:** wow this is really important to you

**MemeLord:** WHY WOULDNT IT BE

**cinnamonrolls:** well arent you kind of dating that kinkade kid?

**MemeLord:** fuck

**cinnamonrolls:** yeah so

**cinnamonrolls:** what are you going to do

**MemeLord:** i dont know

**MemeLord:** fuck i dont know what do i do?

**MemeLord:** what the shit i dont know what do i fucking say to any of them fuck

**cinnamonrolls:** lance its okay calm down

**cinnamonrolls:** no matter what its going to be okay youll sort this out

**cinnamonrolls:** ill help you well all help you youre going to be fine

**cinnamonrolls:** lance?

**cinnamonrolls:** lance say something

**cinnamonrolls:** lance are you still there

**cinnamonrolls:** lance cmon man this isnt funny youre not in youre room where did you go

**cinnamonrolls:** LANCE CMON SAY SOMETHING

**cinnamonrolls:** FUCKING HELL LANCE YOU CANT KEEP DOING THIS YOU CANT KEEP FUCKING DISAPPEARING LIKE THIS FUCKING TALK TO ME MAN

**MemeLord:** im sorry

**cinnamonrolls:** oh thank god

**cinnamonrolls:** where are you

**MemeLord:** the park

**MemeLord:** im coming back now

**cinnamonrolls:** good

**MemeLord:** im sorry hunk

**cinnamonrolls:** i know just

**cinnamonrolls:** just get back here okay?

**MemeLord:** okay

**cinnamonrolls:** and im serious about talking to me  
  
 **cinnamonrolls:** you cant just keep disappearing like that its not okay

**MemeLord:** i know

**cinnamonrolls:** okay

****cinnamonrolls:**** good

 

 

 

**Baby Gay:** i think i fucked up

**PapaGay:** nice to hear from you too keith

**Baby Gay:** im serious shiro

**PapaGay:** what happened?

**Baby Gay:** i told lance that hes beautiful? And he hasnt said anything since

**PapaGay:** tell me exactly what happened

_ Baby Gay sent ohgodwhathaveidone.jpg _

_ Baby Gay sent fuckmyfuckinglife.jpg _

**PapaGay:** wow

**Baby Gay:**  what do i do? I obviously made him uncomfortable im

**Baby Gay:** what if he doesnt want to hang out with me anymore?

**PapaGay:** look lance isnt that kind of guy

**PapaGay:** hes got some issues of his own hes probably just trying to figure out how to respond

**Baby Gay:** how do you know that?

**PapaGay:** i mean i dont know for sure, but knowing what i do about lance, hes more likely to be flustered than angry

**PapaGay:** hes probably just trying to think of something nice to say

**PapaGay:** hes not used to people complimenting him

**Baby Gay:** what are you talking about this is lance

**Baby Gay:** everyone loves him

**PapaGay:** yeah but still

**PapaGay:** most people dont realize hes more fragile than he looks

**PapaGay:** or acts actually

**Baby Gay:** what do you mean?

**PapaGay:** youve been talking to him more often lately right? One on one?

**Baby Gay:** yeah?

**PapaGay:** lance can be surprisingly vulnerable

**PapaGay:** hes very good at acting full of himself but honestly he struggles a lot with insecurity

**PapaGay:** you have to have seen some sign of that by now

**Baby Gay:** i mean i guess hes surprisingly hesitant? or something? In our conversations

**Baby Gay:** but ive never really thought of him as vulnerable

**Baby Gay:** he works so hard and he has such great ideas and hes so passionate? What does he have to be insecure about?

**PapaGay:** you of all people have to know thats not what insecurity is about

**PapaGay:** it doesnt have to be rational to hit you hard

**Baby Gay:** i guess

**Baby Gay:** i just cant imagine what hed have to dislike about himself

**PapaGay:** you disliked him a lot until recently

**PapaGay:** he still annoys everyone pretty regularly

**Baby Gay:** yeah but like

**Baby Gay:** i dont know

**Baby Gay:** i guess youre right

**Baby Gay:** but i love him?

**PapaGay:** wait really???

**Baby Gay:** I MEAN NOT LIKE LOVE OR ANYTHING I JUST LIKE HIM A WHOLE LOT

**Baby Gay:** its not anything like that i just appreciate him a lot and i like him and i want to be around him its nothinng deep like that okay?? I barely know him honestly i mean this conversation is proof of that right?

**PapaGay:** keith its okay

**PapaGay:** you dont have to qualify your feelings with me

**PapaGay:** just talk to me honestly about how you feel

**Baby Gay:** why? Its not like youre always honest with me

**PapaGay:** i

**Baby Gay:** im sorry shiro that wasnt fair of me im sorry

**PapaGay:** no youre right

**PapaGay:** thats fair

**Baby Gay:** its not i was just lashing out

**PapaGay:** no keith

**PapaGay:** youre right, i have been keeping things from you

**Baby Gay:** what?

**PapaGay:** i told you i would keep you updated on the whole adam situation but i didnt

**Baby Gay:** wait theres been more stuff with adam?

**PapaGay:** yeah

**Baby Gay:** what happened? Is everything okay? Are you okay?

**PapaGay:** im fine

**PapaGay:** ive run into adam a few times in the building

**PapaGay:** weve talked a little and had lunch together once

**Baby Gay:** wait really? You had lunch?

**PapaGay:** yeah

**PapaGay:** just to talk

**Baby Gay:** what did you talk about

**PapaGay:** us

**PapaGay:** i dont think i ever really got over him

**PapaGay:** im still not over him and I think it kind of hurts to see him so often and not

**PapaGay:** not be a part of his life

**PapaGay:** not have him as a part of mine

**Baby Gay:** so what did you decide?

**PapaGay:** nothing really

**PapaGay:** i asked him to have lunch with me to talk about it

**Baby Gay:** theres no way that was easy

**PapaGay:** it wasnt but i needed to do it

**PapaGay:** we talked about doing it again sometime

**PapaGay:** i think i still love him

**Baby Gay:** holy shit shiro

**PapaGay:** yeah

**Baby Gay:** do you want to talk? Like in person when i come up this weekend?

**PapaGay:** i would

**PapaGay:** i think i would appreciate that

**Baby Gay:** okay ill stay with you then

**PapaGay:** i dont want to cut into your time with lance

**Baby Gay:** what time with lance?

**Baby Gay:** look your place has the biggest tv anyway so we should probably have our thing there with you anyway

**Baby Gay:** then ill stay on the airmattress in your room and we can talk whenever okay?

**PapaGay:** thanks

**PapaGay:** ill talk to lance about it

**Baby Gay:** okay thats settled then

**PapaGay:** i just miss him

**PapaGay:** i miss him a lot

**Baby Gay:** im sorry

**PapaGay:** thanks

**PapaGay:** you cant sacrifice your time with lance for me though

**Baby Gay:** dont be ridiculous

**PapaGay:** keith i swear

**Baby Gay:** hes dating someone else

**PapaGay:** theyve been on one date

**Baby Gay:** and theyre going on another one! And lance likes him! And they have classes together! And hes coming to the party!

**PapaGay:** that doesnt mean theyre definitely a thing

**Baby Gay:** yeah but

**Baby Gay:** i dont want to get in the way

**PapaGay:** and i dont want you to use this as an excuse not to take a chance to be happy

**Baby Gay:** ugh

**Baby Gay:** why are you always so sappy

**PapaGay:** im your big brother its my job

**PapaGay:** im wingmanning you this weekend

**Baby Gay:** Do Not

**PapaGay:** you cant stop me

**Baby Gay:** oh god

**PapaGay:** get ready

**PapaGay:** you and lance will be boning before monday

**Baby Gay:** SHIRO

**Baby Gay:** WTF

**Baby Gay:** GROSS WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU

**PapaGay:** i mean what i say lil bro!

**Baby Gay** : FUCK OFF YOU GROSS OLD MAN

**Baby Gay:** I DO NOT WANT YOU INVOLVED IN MY SEX LIFE

**PapaGay:** too late

**Baby Gay:** YOURE DISGUSTING AND I HATE YOU

**PapaGay:** awww i love you too keith

**Baby Gay:** GO DIE IN A HOLE

**PapaGay:** <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, hasn't it? I'va had a rough few months actually, and I've struggled a lot with writing for this fic. But in the end its still fun to write in this space, and I'm going to keep updating as long as I can. Anyone who's stayed this far, thank you. I really appreciate it <3


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